Domestic violence manifests in various ways, including emotional manipulation, coercion, and financial abuse. Have you ever felt the need to justify every purchase to your partner? For instance, when you buy a small treat at the grocery store, do you worry about finishing it before arriving home? If your partner discovers you spent money on yourself—even just a few dollars—will it trigger a storm of accusations?
Questions like, “Why are you so selfish?” or “Don’t you care about anyone but yourself?” can echo in your ears. Even if it was the first time in months you spent money on yourself, the abuser’s narrative can distort reality. Despite working and earning your own money, their control can make you feel guilty for wanting anything for yourself. Financial abuse is often overlooked, yet it is a significant aspect of domestic violence that affects many individuals, often leaving them unaware of its existence until they escape.
I can relate to this experience. In my own life, I discovered that financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic violence cases. It creates a power imbalance where one person uses fear to keep the other submissive. My upbringing taught me that shared finances were the norm in marriage—what’s mine is ours—until it wasn’t. I had always been financially independent, but after marriage, I quickly lost control over my finances.
Shortly after we tied the knot, my paychecks would vanish as soon as they hit our joint account, leaving me with just enough for groceries. The amount I was allowed to spend was strict, and I found myself anxiously calculating costs in the supermarket, terrified of overspending. The thought of having my card declined was humiliating.
This was just the beginning. Financial abuse is not limited to controlling money; it often involves preventing the victim from achieving financial independence. This can take the form of sabotaging employment. In my case, although my partner couldn’t stop me from working, his interference made it hard to perform my job effectively.
My direct deposit went into our joint account, and I was expected to print out my pay stubs and hand them over. I never understood why, especially since W-2s exist for tax purposes. For years, I altered my pay stubs to match what was deposited, all while secretly saving money for my escape. Each paycheck brought anxiety over being discovered and the potential repercussions.
While my actions may sound extreme, they were a privilege that not everyone has. I worked in a position that allowed me to open a fee-free bank account and edit pay stubs. The reality is, I shouldn’t have had to hide anything; the money was mine. But in an abusive relationship, the fear of repercussions overshadows your understanding of legal rights.
This monitoring of spending, undermining of employment, and restriction of access to funds were all indicators of financial abuse. Abusers instill fear, clouding the lines between what you can do and what your rights are, leaving you paralyzed with anxiety.
If you find yourself in a relationship where finances are wielded as a tool for control, it’s important to recognize it as abuse. While physical abuse is often visible, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse can be more insidious. It’s easy to be met with skepticism when discussing these forms of abuse, with comments like, “Why don’t you just leave?” But the reality is far more complex. It took me over a decade to find a path to safety that felt right.
To anyone who resonates with my story, know that you are seen and not alone. You deserve love, respect, and to feel safe. Remember, it can and will improve.
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Summary:
Financial abuse is a significant yet often unrecognized form of domestic violence that can leave victims feeling trapped and powerless. It encompasses control over finances and creates barriers to financial independence. Understanding and recognizing the signs of financial abuse is crucial for those in such situations. It’s essential to know that help is available, and you deserve a life free from fear and manipulation.
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