After my husband left, it took me nearly seven months to muster the courage to try a dating app. As a woman in my forties with several children, navigating the dating scene felt entirely different compared to my twenties.
However, I soon realized that it would be more challenging than I anticipated. Overcoming my insecurities was tough, but it wasn’t the most daunting aspect. The reality was that many men I found intriguing had already experienced significant life events. I sought companionship with someone close to my age, which often meant dating men who had previously been in long-term relationships or marriages.
Like many of the men I encountered, I had become set in my ways. While this isn’t inherently negative, I remembered how my husband and I had evolved together over the years. In our youth, we thought we knew everything, but the truth is, maturity and experiences shape our perspectives.
One of my initial dates was with a guy who had been divorced for about a year. He spent the entire evening lamenting about how his ex-wife was “demanding a lot of alimony, which complicated his dating life.” I listened for a bit before redirecting the conversation. It became evident that this man was not for me after he made several dismissive remarks about his ex-wife, claiming that she “didn’t work” during their marriage and merely took care of the children.
Um, excuse me. I was precisely that woman—who “didn’t work” outside the home for the majority of my marriage. While my ex-husband put in long hours at work, took classes, and enjoyed trips with friends, I managed the household. I took care of cooking, cleaning, shopping, carpooling, and ensuring our kids’ appointments were met. I dedicated myself to being a good mother and maintaining our home, a role we had mutually agreed upon before our marriage.
I consider myself fortunate that my ex-husband supports me with alimony, and he has no qualms about it. He understands that the woman often serves as the backbone of the family. He recognizes that I didn’t work outside the home so that I could focus on our family and support his aspirations.
To all the men who feel aggrieved about paying alimony: it’s important to understand that alimony is determined by each party’s earnings to ensure fairness after the relationship ends, regardless of whether one partner worked or not.
I fully acknowledge that receiving alimony is a privilege not everyone enjoys. However, if you are in that position, you absolutely deserve it—without any guilt attached.
The man I mentioned earlier wasn’t the only one to express grievances about alimony. I met a lawyer who only saw his children twice a month (due to his choice to relocate) and began complaining about alimony just minutes into our date. He even inquired about my own “child support and alimony situation.” Then there was another man who brazenly admitted to cheating on his wife and bragged about the alimony he was paying her. Yikes.
I could share many more stories, but the stigma surrounding men paying alimony infuriates me. Many believe they shouldn’t have to provide this support, regardless of the circumstances of their marriage. It’s crucial to note that women typically spend more time with the children, and child support alone often falls short. We handle most of the meals, shopping, and transportation needs.
If you’re receiving alimony, know that you’ve earned it. Remember, it’s no one else’s concern. If you find yourself dating someone who whines about their alimony obligations, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself. You deserve better than that.
For more insights on navigating parenthood and relationships, check out this article or explore resources from Make a Mom, an authority on family planning. Additionally, visit Kindbody for excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
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