Navigating the Guilt of a Chaotic Home: My Personal Approach

A few months back, I shared a lighthearted video on social media, showcasing my home filled with kids. The day prior, I had accomplished a thorough cleaning of my first floor, and I felt proud of my efforts. However, that sense of achievement quickly faded. Within hours, my children had dashed through every room, blissfully unaware of the order I had worked hard to restore.

As they raced to the living room with popsicles in hand to dive into their favorite game, a wave of disappointment washed over me. I felt the familiar pang of shame creeping in, and I wasn’t eager to embark on that emotional journey.

Surveying the chaos of scattered toys, half-eaten snacks, and remnants of craft projects, I opted to document the scene and make light of the disarray. My intention was to share a chuckle with others who might be feeling overwhelmed, reminding fellow parents they are not alone in dealing with the messy realities of parenthood. But I also hoped to dispel the shame that had suddenly enveloped me.

Naturally, I received some harsh criticism from a few overly critical online users who labeled me as a “lazy” parent. It felt like they had taken my worst self-doubts and hurled them right back at me. One particularly frustrated commenter suggested I simply get my act together and keep my home tidy, as if maintaining cleanliness was an effortless task.

For me, cleaning is far from simple. Some days, getting out of bed feels like an insurmountable challenge. The anxiety and hyper-vigilance stemming from my Complex PTSD can trigger non-epileptic seizures, leaving me unable to function for weeks. On other days, I find myself immobilized by the clutter that accumulates until it obscures any clear path across the floor.

Additionally, I contend with the organizational chaos that comes from supporting my partner’s ADHD and anxiety while he manages multiple jobs, alongside the mess created by our energetic toddler and her imaginative older sister. And now, as a work-from-home parent and the family’s personal assistant, the cleaning burden is even heavier.

When the waves of unwarranted shame and anxiety crash over me, I employ several strategies to regain my composure. While these techniques aren’t a guaranteed solution, they serve as valuable starting points to foster self-compassion and non-judgment. I aim to prioritize what truly matters: my mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

1. Step Away for Perspective

When shame hits hard, I take a moment away from home, often sitting on the porch to breathe in the fresh air. This simple act helps me remember that mental health takes precedence over any to-do list. I remind myself that I’m no longer in a toxic environment and can release the unhealthy coping mechanisms I once relied on.

2. Reaffirm My Worth

I acknowledge that my self-worth isn’t tied to how clean my home is. Keeping a tidy space is not a moral obligation, and it doesn’t define my value as a person. I recognize that not everyone has the capacity to maintain an immaculate home, and that’s perfectly okay.

3. Share the Responsibility

I remind myself that maintaining a clean house shouldn’t fall solely on one person. I contribute to my family’s well-being in many ways that aren’t as immediately rewarding as a tidy home. When I notice an imbalance, I discuss it with my partner and sometimes turn cleaning into a fun family dance party.

4. Take It Slow

I embrace a one-step-at-a-time approach. Whether I’m vacuuming while sitting on the floor or tackling one room at a time, I allow myself to stop when my chronic fatigue sets in. I grant myself permission to refrain from cleaning if I’m not feeling mentally or physically up to it.

5. Utilize Support Resources

Living with a disability means adapting my environment to suit my needs. I focus on creating a home that works for me, drawing inspiration from experts like KC Davis, who emphasizes that we shouldn’t feel responsible for saving the world when we’re struggling to take care of ourselves.

6. Embrace Humor

I remind myself that social media can often present an unrealistic picture of perfection. Laughing at the absurdity of comparing my situation to others helps quell my inner critic. Everyone has their own struggles, and it’s vital that I focus on maintaining my own mental health.

7. Acknowledge My Past

My previous obsession with cleanliness stemmed from a need to create order in an unstable environment. Now, I understand that it’s essential to let go of those ideals. A fulfilling home is one filled with love, laughter, and cherished memories, regardless of its tidiness.

8. Celebrate the Mess

I often think of the saying, “Please excuse the mess—my children are making memories.” When I feel overwhelmed by the clutter, I remember that my children are engaged in imaginative play, and that’s more valuable than a pristine living space.

These personal approaches may not work for everyone, and that’s the beauty of it. Each family’s journey toward creating a stable and accessible home should not feel like a competition. Ultimately, we are more than the state of our homes, and life is about much more than shaming ourselves over cleanliness.

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In summary, embracing the messiness of life and focusing on what truly matters—our relationships and mental health—can help alleviate the guilt often associated with a chaotic home. Each family’s experience is unique, and there’s no need to compete in the cleaning race.