When you hear about someone falling victim to domestic violence in the news, it’s truly heartbreaking. You naturally feel for their loved ones left behind, sending thoughts and prayers their way. Yet, a question often lingers: why did she stay? Why didn’t he seek help? It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking they chose to endure their suffering.
Let’s pause for a moment. Even if it’s unintentional, that mindset leads to victim shaming. Instead, why not shift the focus to how we can prevent abusers from hurting others? How can we hold those responsible accountable? Above all, how can we support the survivors?
Victim shaming isn’t something we consciously do. You care deeply and are relieved they escaped a bad situation, but it’s hard not to wonder why it took so long. Did you know that, on average, it takes a victim seven attempts before they finally leave for good? Victims and survivors already grapple with painful questions: Why wasn’t I strong enough? How could I let this happen? These self-doubts add shame to the trauma they’re facing.
Elena Martinez, a researcher in domestic violence prevention, explains that victim shaming often stems from self-preservation. When people attribute blame to the victim, it gives them a false sense of control over their own safety. They might think, “I’m tougher than that. I would never tolerate such behavior.” But the truth is, abuse can happen to anyone. According to Project Sanctuary, over 20,000 calls are made to domestic violence hotlines across the country every single day, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I never called those hotlines myself. Despite visiting Thehotline.org multiple times, I lacked the courage to reach out. The fear of being discovered by my abuser was paralyzing. He threatened me, claiming he would take my children away. My struggles with depression and anxiety were weaponized against me. I believed every threat he made, even though they were baseless.
Writing this is tough. I wish I could tell my younger self that when he apologizes after being cruel, it’s not genuine. I would remind myself that marrying him would only complicate things further. It took me over a decade to escape that relationship, and while I’ve healed, some of that shame still lingers. Even those closest to me have made comments that felt like victim shaming.
“I love you, but I think women who choose to stay in abusive situations are making a choice,” they might say. Or, “You’re smart and strong; leaving just isn’t what you want.” But they didn’t understand the reality: I was trapped with nowhere to go and no means to escape. It was never just about me; it was about my children’s safety too.
For those who have survived or are currently enduring abuse, remember: you are loved, and you matter. Take advice from those who haven’t walked in your shoes with a grain of salt. You are resilient, and none of this is your fault. Leaving is only one part of the journey; healing is another challenge altogether. It’s a messy, nonlinear process, but it’s incredibly worth it.
For the survivors and their communities, support is vital. If you know someone who has endured or is living through an abusive relationship, lend an ear without judgment. Being there for someone can make all the difference.
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Ultimately, you are not alone. There’s a community out there ready to support you every step of the way. My hope is that sharing my experience resonates with those who need to hear it.
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