During normal times, my in-laws host a massive Thanksgiving with over 25 people. My partner, Jake, absolutely loves these big family gatherings filled with delicious food, relatives he hasn’t seen in ages, and of course, the fun that usually wraps up the night—games, sing-alongs, and laughter.
I enjoy all of that on paper, but honestly, every time I attend, I find myself needing three days of recovery afterward. The sensory overload in those situations is intense, and while most of the guests are decent folks, there’s always someone who says something that hits a nerve—whether it’s a comment about my kids, my weight, my job, or politics. It often leaves me feeling upset for days. Plus, wrangling my kids at such events—especially when they’re picky eaters and prone to boredom—is just not enjoyable.
I’ll admit, one silver lining of the pandemic for me was the perfect excuse to skip Thanksgiving in 2020. I was actually quite happy to miss some of the other family holiday events that year too. Call me a grinch or whatever, but I don’t see the appeal of these huge holiday get-togethers.
I’d much rather spend time at home with my little family or maybe a couple of extended family members. There’s something truly special about a smaller gathering. It feels more intimate—you can be yourself, connect genuinely with others, and you don’t have to spend weeks preparing a feast to please everyone.
As someone who works full-time, I value my time off. It’s frustrating to spend that time doing things that exhaust me. Isn’t the purpose of time off to relax and rejuvenate? Those large holiday gatherings feel like they suck the very life out of me.
Of course, Jake and I don’t always see eye to eye on this. He misses all the pre-pandemic holiday fun and craves the time when it’s safe to celebrate with a big crowd. He thrives in lively settings, finding inspiration and energy in them. We’re clearly on opposite ends of the spectrum, and it can be tough.
But if you’re like me and find holiday gatherings draining, overwhelming, or full of toxic individuals, know that you’re not alone. It’s perfectly okay to feel this way. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for wanting to avoid such events. However, as I approached my 40s and realized my feelings weren’t changing, I accepted that this is just who I am.
Even before the pandemic, Jake and I agreed to spend some holidays at home. I didn’t feel it was fair to skip all family gatherings, but I needed to opt out of a few to maintain my sanity. Compromises are essential when partners have differing views on such matters, and no one is obligated to keep doing things they despise.
Also, if there are people at these gatherings who have been toxic or abusive in the past, you have zero obligation to attend. This extends to anyone who disrespects your identity, parenting style, or beliefs. These are non-negotiables, and trust me, you have permission to cancel any holiday plans that don’t feel right.
That said, I’m not suggesting that celebrating the holidays with others has no value. It’s just that the traditional way many of us have done it isn’t working anymore. It’s time to recognize that and find a more sensible approach.
It’s tough when something meant to be joyful feels utterly exhausting, leaving you in a state of turmoil. Life is too short to spend it doing things that make you feel so drained.
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In summary, it’s completely acceptable to skip holiday gatherings that drain you. Prioritize your mental health and wellbeing, and find celebrations that truly resonate with you.
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