57 Hilarious New Year’s Resolutions to Kick Off 2025

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As we stand on the edge of 2025, we can’t help but reflect on the wild ride that was 2023. Remember when we thought 2024 would be our year? Yeah, that didn’t quite pan out. But hey, we’re not going into this new year with blind optimism. Instead, we’re armed with a healthy dose of sarcasm and a list of resolutions that are way more realistic and definitely more fun to keep (or not keep). So, let’s embrace 2025 with a wink and a grin. Here are some resolutions that let you laugh your way into the new year!

1. Stop doom scrolling on social media, especially on Twitter.
2. Live my best life by only purchasing pants that are elastic waistbands.
3. Try to go vegan for six months, but let’s be real, that’s probably gonna last a week.
4. Stock up on fresh produce and make sure to eat it before it becomes a science experiment in the fridge.
5. Sign up for a marathon, but let’s acknowledge that I won’t actually run it.
6. Unfollow all the Kardashians but still find a way to keep up with their antics.
7. Remember to prepare overnight oats the night before, even though I know I’ll opt for cereal instead.
8. Go on a vitamin shopping spree and actually finish at least one bottle before giving up.
9. Buy all the leftover 2024 calendars and ceremoniously burn them.
10. Venture outside and breathe in the gasp fresh air.
11. Pick Netflix movies with confidence so I actually hit play before dozing off.
12. Transform all my high heels into comfy flats.
13. Disregard the entire year of 2024 during any social gathering.
14. Successfully manage to end a phone call without saying “Love you” to a stranger.
15. Never take a trip to HomeGoods for granted again.
16. Unfriend anyone who shares unsolicited dieting tips.
17. Take more days off and actually delete Slack from my phone during those times.
18. Become the ultimate sarcasm champion.
19. Follow the advice of a friend and turn my random tweets into a book.
20. Stop hoarding all the butternut squash gnocchi at Trader Joe’s — let others have a chance!
21. Share my New Year’s Eve bubbly with friends.
22. Aim for eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson character.
23. Keep track of my accomplishments because record-keeping is key.
24. Do so much yoga that I can justify wearing yoga pants every day.
25. Bake so many goodies that my pals start calling me Betty Crocker.
26. Read more or at the very least, watch shows with subtitles to stay engaged.
27. Carefully read food packaging directions before tossing them, so I don’t have to dumpster dive mid-recipe.
28. Accept that John Mayer is almost 50 and that’s a fact.
29. Resist the urge to text that toxic person back. We all know who I’m talking about.
30. Pass gas in front of my squad without feeling any shame.
31. Stop making lists, especially ones that involve making more lists.
32. Eat more tacos because who can say no to that?
33. Wield every wrapping paper tube like a lightsaber.
34. Stay in the bathroom longer while brushing my teeth — it’s quiet time.
35. Quit drinking orange juice after brushing my teeth — it’s a bad combo.
36. Stop daring my friends to lick frozen flagpoles — we’re too old for that.
37. Accept that sometimes it takes more than one trip to the car to get groceries; I can’t carry it all!
38. Floss daily, and not just during the week before a dentist appointment.
39. Find more reasons to use the word “verisimilitude” in conversations.
40. Book that fancy trip I’ve been putting off.
41. Actually wear real clothes for Zoom calls (but let’s be honest, business on top, pajamas on the bottom is a classic).
42. Get waxed without needing to chat about the weather.
43. Stop forcing my family to set resolutions; kids really don’t care.
44. Avoid repeating the same jokes when hanging with friends — either that or make new friends.
45. Stop saying “Mmmm, how nice” during airport inspections; it’s not helping.
46. Drink more, because hey, Benjamin Franklin said beer is proof of God’s love.
47. Tell more people to f*ck off when needed.
48. Be a more versatile friend — I’m up for brunch, lunch, or beach days.
49. Quit blaming the dog for every odd smell in the house — let’s be honest, it’s probably me.
50. Refrain from awkwardly hovering in front of the canned veggie aisle; I will circle back and be less lurky.
51. Read the books I take to the beach, for real this time.
52. Control the urge to hit the elevator button repeatedly; it doesn’t actually go faster.
53. Be honest with my doctor about my caffeine and alcohol intake — honesty is key!
54. Sing along to every Taylor Swift song I hear without a care.
55. Give my pups more pep talks; they deserve it.
56. Stop procrastinating — well, after next week.
57. Quit Googling symptoms — it never ends well.

So there you have it! A light-hearted approach to tackling the new year with humor and relatability. And while you’re planning for the future, consider exploring options for starting a family. Check out Make a Mom for at-home insemination solutions, including their reusable options and discover how it all works here. For those curious about intrauterine insemination, Healthline offers excellent resources. And if you’re looking for support, join our free sperm donor matching group for community and guidance.

Ready to embrace 2025 with a chuckle? Here’s to a year filled with laughter, light-hearted resolutions, and maybe just a bit of growth (or not)!