3:30 a.m.
A mother’s voice trembles as she hums softly, tightening the swaddling blanket around her infant. It feels too snug; she thinks, but the guide says that a firm swaddle will soothe him. The baby howls, thrashing against the fabric. She rocks back and forth; he screams. She sways; he continues to cry. He’s had his diaper changed, been fed, and burped, yet the wails persist. Perhaps something is genuinely amiss. Unwrapping the blanket, she secures the baby in his car seat, and sets off for Urgent Care. Midway through the drive, the crying ceases. Is he breathing? Yes, he’s just fallen asleep. Relieved, she turns back home, parks in the garage, and cautiously shuts off the engine. Opening the door could wake him, so she reclines her seat, wipes away a tear of exhaustion, and dozes off.
8:30 a.m.
A mother informs her toddler that it’s time to get dressed. “NO! I no wanna get dressed!” “But we need to get ready to go, sweetheart.” “NO! I no wanna to go!” The guide suggests using cooperative language. “Come on, let’s put on your clothes. I can help you.” She gently takes her daughter’s hand. The little one melts into a heap on the floor. The guide recommends giving toddlers choices. “Would you prefer the green shirt or the pink one?” “NO!” “Sweetheart, ‘no’ isn’t an option. What do you want to wear?” “NO! NO! NO!” From another room, the baby starts to cry. In a swift motion, Mom pulls off the toddler’s pajama top and wrestles the pink shirt over her head. “NO! I no want this shirt!” “Well, you should have chosen one. Would you like to pick your pants?” “NO! I no want pants! NO NO NO!” Seriously? thinks the mother. Choices, my foot.
3:30 p.m.
A mother picks up her son from kindergarten. He excitedly displays a painting he created in class. “Look at my picture, Mommy! Isn’t it cool?” The guide advises offering non-judgmental feedback. “Oh, it’s so colorful!” she responds. “Yeah! It’s a dragon! Do you like it?” he asks. The guide suggests focusing on the effort rather than the outcome. “It seems like you put a lot of hard work into that!” The boy’s shoulders slump slightly. “Yeah, but do you like it, Mommy? I made it for you.” The guide mentions that excessive praise could stifle children’s internal motivation… But look at how hopeful his little face is… “Darling, I absolutely love it. I think it’s the coolest dragon I’ve ever seen.” Her son’s face lights up, and he hugs her tightly. Forget the guide.
Ah, the guides. At some point during our parenting journey, we come to the realization that raising children is far more intricate than we initially imagined, and we often feel lost. That’s when we turn to the guides. We cling to them like lifelines in a stormy sea, stacking them on our nightstands, hoping to absorb their wisdom by mere proximity. Each time we discover a new one, we believe we’ve found the ultimate answer, the key to this parenting conundrum.
However, the issue with the guides is that much of the advice sounds great on paper. It appears logical, with clear methods for handling behaviors, philosophies on discipline, and insights into what kids need. Authors excel at making this all seem straightforward… on paper.
Yet, parenting in real life is a different story. Children aren’t always rational—in fact, they can be downright unpredictable. They aren’t simple beings; they are as complex and unique as adults, with needs and motivations that vary greatly.
Over my 15 years of parenting three children, I’ve learned that parenting is an intensely personal endeavor. Applying one guide’s philosophy rigidly to your family can lead to frustration. What works wonders for one child may flop with another. Strategies that are effective for a time can suddenly cease to function. One guide might resonate perfectly with a family you admire, while proving entirely unsuitable for your own. Many guides read beautifully in theory but fail in practice.
Throughout my parenting journey, I’ve oscillated between love and disdain for various guides. I particularly enjoy those that utilize comic strip scenarios to depict interactions between parents and children following the advice provided. You know the type, where the child declares, “Oh, yes! I feel so calm and centered now because you truly listened!” or “Bedtime seems delightful now that I feel safe and cherished.” HA! Unfortunately, children don’t follow scripts. At least, mine never have.
Parenting is more art than science, more organic than systematic, and more improvisational than scripted. This isn’t to say that research, structured methods, and even scripts don’t have their place in your parenting approach. These elements can indeed be useful tools. However, what works on paper doesn’t always translate to real life. There is always an element of trial and error. Children are ever-changing. Humans are complicated, and thus, raising them is inherently complex.
After years of engaging with various guides and contemplating this journey, I’ve reached a conclusion: you must develop your own parenting philosophy, rooted in your values, beliefs, personality, and vision for your family. It may sound daunting, but it simply requires time and reflection. Refine this philosophy and document it. A well-defined framework that captures your family’s unique essence will serve you far better than a one-size-fits-all strategy.
Another crucial element is truly understanding your children. Continuously learn about them—“Learn your learners,” as expert educators might say. Strive to connect with and comprehend your children as individuals. This understanding will enable you to adapt your methods according to each child’s personality and temperament, all while remaining grounded in your overall parenting philosophy.
There’s nothing wrong with parenting based on guides—as long as you tailor them to your unique family’s needs. And always stay attuned to the reality of parenting outside the guides, because that’s where the extraordinary, challenging, and beautiful journey of raising children unfolds.
Summary
Parenting is a complex journey that often defies the advice found in many parenting guides. Each child is unique, and strategies that work for one may not work for another. Developing a personal parenting philosophy based on individual values and understanding each child’s personality is essential. While guides can provide helpful frameworks, the real essence of parenting happens in the unpredictable moments outside of those teachings. For more insights on family planning and child-rearing, consider exploring resources like Progyny.
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