Written by Emily Harper
Feb. 14, 2022
On one of those chilly winter days, I encouraged (or rather insisted) my 11-year-old son, Max, to join me for a walk with our dogs. We hadn’t ventured far when Max, the little philosopher of our family, turned to me and posed a thought-provoking question: “Mom, do the benefits of being a parent outweigh the drawbacks?” I halted in my tracks, taken aback by his inquiry. Instead of diving into a lengthy explanation, I followed the advice I often give to other parents and decided to explore his thoughts further. “Are you asking if being a parent is generally more good than bad?” When he nodded, I employed another parenting tactic and flipped the question back to him: “What’s your take on it?”
Taking a moment to reflect, he replied, “Well, one benefit is creating another human and watching them grow, which is pretty amazing. But that’s kind of the only upside.” I then asked him to share what he thought the downsides were, and he spent the remainder of our 30-minute stroll outlining the challenges of parenthood. One particular example resonated with me deeply: he described a scenario where a parent, overwhelmed with work, feels frustrated when they must assist their child instead. (Ouch. I recognized where he got that analogy.)
Max’s remarks about this “downside” of parenting—having to help when feeling stressed—stayed with me long after we finished our cups of hot cocoa. It made me realize how much our parental stress can inadvertently be communicated to our children. Even more concerning was the realization that he seemed to perceive parental assistance as an obligation rather than a desire. The most heart-wrenching realization was that he, whether consciously or subconsciously, felt his needs were secondary within the family dynamic.
I want my son to feel cherished, not like a burden—even though, at times, all children can be. I want him to know his worth, even during those overwhelming moments when parenting feels like a tall order. The more I pondered his question, the clearer it became that he was seeking affirmation of his importance in our family, both in my words and actions. So, I revisited the conversation with him, acknowledging that while parenting can indeed be challenging and frustrating, the benefit he identified—creating and nurturing a human being—is more significant than any difficulties I face. I then devised three ways to show him, through my everyday actions, just how valuable he is to me.
Set Aside Dedicated Time
I intentionally set aside moments where I am fully present with Max, free from distractions like phone calls or social media. I aim for at least 30 minutes each day to engage in activities together—whether it’s playing air hockey, baking, or simply watching a show—where my focus is solely on him. These daily interactions help strengthen our bond and reassure him of his importance in my life.
Express Gratitude for Our Time Together
I learned this tip from my partner: after spending time with Max—walking the dogs, running errands, or playing in the yard—I make sure to thank him for sharing that time with me and for being such a fantastic companion. This reinforces to him that I value our moments together rather than viewing them as burdensome.
Provide Advance Notice of My Availability
When I know I won’t be available to him, I give Max plenty of notice to prevent feelings of abandonment and to alleviate my own stress about letting him down. We take a moment to discuss if he needs anything from me before I dive into work and plan ways I can be supportive when I’m free. This shows him that I prioritize his needs, even if I can’t attend to them right away.
Though none of this is groundbreaking, it stems from a crucial lesson I’ve learned while parenting four kids over nearly two decades: often, it is the small moments—not grand gestures—that resonate most with our children. Frequently, it’s the casual compliments or words of encouragement that help them feel valued. I am continually amazed at how consistent, small actions lead to significant, meaningful impacts in ensuring our kids feel loved and appreciated. As winter transitions to spring, I hope that when Max and I head out for another dog walk, he will know deep down that, for me, the benefits of being a parent indeed outweigh the challenges.
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Summary
In this article, a mother reflects on a thought-provoking question from her son about whether the positives of parenting outweigh the negatives. Through their conversation, she realizes the importance of making her child feel valued and supported. She shares strategies for nurturing their bond, emphasizing that small actions can have a profound impact on a child’s sense of worth.
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