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Is My Child Ready to Discover That I’ve Been Married Twice?
by Sarah Thompson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: March 15, 2022
It’s a narrative so common it hardly needs recounting: I was young (just 23), I married my high school sweetheart, I even wrote a self-congratulatory piece about how strong our marriage was (cringe), but then it all fell apart. I filed for divorce in 2015, and we remain friends.
Then, in late 2017, I welcomed my son into the world. A month prior, I had married his father, an incredible man I fell for after my first marriage ended. (When you know, you know.) Now, my son is a bright, thoughtful, and goofy four-year-old who is full of questions about the world. “Is Earth the smallest planet?” “Do whales have belly buttons?” and “Why can’t I stick my tongue in my nose like a giraffe?” I do my best to answer his myriad inquiries (no, yes, and gross, respectively), but there’s one question that looms in my mind: “Who’s that man in the picture, Mom?”
I’m not ashamed of my past marriage; if anything, I see it as an opportunity to discuss the importance of patience and understanding. (“Son, in life, there are minor mistakes, and then there are major life-altering ones…”) What worries me is that my son, being a natural worrier, may become anxious upon learning that I was married to someone else. He might fear that I could stop loving his dad, or even him. I dread that he’ll have to grapple too soon with the reality that parents are human and not the infallible beings he believes them to be.
To gain insight on this dilemma, I consulted Dr. Lisa Carter, a psychologist and professor in New Jersey who specializes in parenting. I posed what I thought was a silly question: Do I really need to share this with him? Dr. Carter responded with a question of her own: “Is your child likely to find out eventually?” Well, yes, probably. I have boxes of old photos in the basement, and my writing carries the surname of my former husband, while I use my current husband’s name in daily life. So, it’s likely my child will wonder about the name he sees. Dr. Carter advised that if my son is bound to discover this information eventually, “it’s better to share it early on, so he doesn’t feel like it’s a shocking secret that can’t be discussed.”
The idea of revealing this part of my life feels daunting, but her reasoning is sound. Then I panic: How do I even begin to explain? My son doesn’t fully grasp the concept of marriage, so I’ll need to be creative. “Mama used to live with a man who wasn’t Dad, but then we stopped living together and I came to live with Dad instead”? “You know how Mama and Dad love each other a lot? I used to love another man before Dad”? These sound okay—matter-of-fact and age-appropriate, as Dr. Carter suggested—but I find myself questioning… why am I sharing this? What’s the purpose?
Dr. Carter helped me clarify my thoughts. “What’s the key message you want to convey to your child?” I realized I want my son to understand that my past doesn’t affect my present; I love him immensely, and I will always be there for him. As he grows older, the message will shift into a lesson about the importance of knowing oneself before getting married. Dr. Carter offers a potential script for the future: “I was married to someone else when I was younger, but it didn’t work out. I learned it’s essential to wait until you’re grown and understand yourself before getting married. When I was older, I met your father, and we’ve built a happy family together.”
Regardless of how and when I share this, I anticipate my son will have more questions. (Though Dr. Carter noted some kids may be more focused on what’s for lunch than on revelations from the past—here’s hoping!) Questions like: Who is he? Where does he live? Why did you stop loving him? I will have responses ready (a nice guy, in our old apartment, and sometimes it happens, but never with moms and kids, respectively). Dr. Carter advised others in my situation to consider what they’re comfortable sharing while respecting their own boundaries.
Ultimately, the message I want to convey is that my experiences before my son’s birth, while significant, were merely the prelude to what truly matters—his arrival marked the beginning of my real life. My plan? To keep communicating until he grasps that.
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Summary:
Navigating the conversation about past marriages with a child can be daunting, especially for a parent who worries about their child’s emotional response. It’s crucial to approach the topic thoughtfully, ensuring the child understands that past experiences do not affect present love and commitment. Consulting a professional can provide guidance on how to communicate these complex ideas in an age-appropriate manner, allowing for a healthy understanding of parental history.
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