The key is to recognize and understand anger instead of merely suppressing it.
By Alex Morgan
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: April 26, 2022
In many cultures, we’ve been raised to believe that anger is an undesirable emotion — one we should hide, especially in public settings. This notion is particularly prevalent for women, who often face dismissal or silencing when they express anger. Additionally, anger is frequently perceived as a secondary emotion, stemming from primary feelings like fear or sadness. While there is some truth to this, simply instructing someone to set aside their anger and address the root cause can be ineffective. You can’t simply erase anger, as anyone who has calmly requested a furious toddler to “calm down” can confirm.
What if there was a way to validate someone’s anger while also guiding them toward understanding the underlying issues? Meet parenting expert and TikToker, Mia Reynolds, who has discovered a straightforward phrase that acknowledges anger and inspires resolution. “I found a phrase that helps my child express her anger,” Mia states in a TikTok video that has attracted nearly 5 million views. “I want to teach her that anger is not inherently bad,” she explains.
Reflecting on her childhood experiences that resonate with many, Mia notes, “I grew up believing anger was wrong. I was branded the ‘problem child’ and later stereotyped as the ‘angry woman.’ I refuse to perpetuate that narrative.” In essence, Mia is determined not to let her child’s anger be a reason to dismiss her feelings.
While Mia doesn’t rely on this approach when her daughter is “extremely upset,” she explains, “If she’s slamming doors or rolling her eyes and I see it escalating, I use this technique.” Mia emphasizes the importance of getting down to her daughter’s level and using a gentle yet firm tone. She asks, “What is your anger trying to tell you?”
“What I aim to teach her is that our anger serves as a signal indicating something is wrong, a boundary is being crossed, or an unmet need,” Mia elaborates. Although simply expressing a need does not guarantee it will be fulfilled, she notes that it is much more likely to be addressed if articulated instead of reacted to with anger.
This parenting approach is supported by neuroscience, too. Anger activates the amygdala, a small area of the brain linked to emotions like fear and our fight-or-flight response. Conversely, the prefrontal cortex is responsible for reasoning and judgment. By engaging the prefrontal cortex with a thoughtful question—What is your anger trying to tell you?—we can move the focus to a place where we can rationally address the cause of the anger. This lesson in managing anger is valuable not only for children but for adults as well.
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Summary:
Mia Reynolds, a parenting coach, shares a powerful phrase that helps children articulate their anger, encouraging them to recognize it as a signal of unmet needs rather than a negative emotion. This approach not only validates feelings but also promotes understanding and resolution.
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