It’s a well-known fact that children have an uncanny ability to turn your life upside down, often pilfering your most cherished moments and leaving a trail of chaos in their wake—whether it’s your precious solitude, sleep, or even that brief moment of tranquility during a bathroom visit. But despite the madness, the benefits of parenthood are undeniable.
I’m not referring to the heartwarming way they alter your perspective or how they make you feel more alive. Rather, the true treasure lies in the fact that children serve as a perpetual “Get Out of Jail Free” card. You can attribute nearly everything to them, and as a parent, this is both your privilege and your right.
Here’s a glimpse into how I cleverly navigate this parental loophole with my list of 10 daily grievances I wholeheartedly blame on my child:
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Slippery Floors.
Partner: “What on earth is going on in the bathroom?”
Me: Peeking into the bathroom, “Ugh, her hand-washing skills are beyond subpar!”
Reality: It’s me, splashing water everywhere while trying to wash my face with a myriad of products, all while fumbling around without my glasses and leaving the sink like a mini aquatic habitat. -
Lack of Gourmet Snacks.
Partner, excitedly from the living room: “Is there any of that tasty food left?”
Me, in the kitchen, gulping down the final bites: “Mmm, what? Sorry, I just gave the last one to Ava before bed.”
Reality: I’m discreetly tossing the empty container of that “tasty food” into the trash. -
Odorous Emissions.
Everyone: “YUCK!”
Me: “Ava!”
Reality: I’m the one indulging in an entire head of cauliflower for lunch, unaware of the gaseous consequences that were not mentioned in the recipe. -
Missing Out on Events.
Me, via text, because who talks on the phone anymore: “Oh, I would love to go, but Ava is under the weather.”
Reality: I’m actually turning off my phone and diving into a Netflix binge while ignoring my child. -
Constant Fatigue.
Me to a colleague, stifling a yawn while pouring a massive cup of coffee: “Ava was up all night with nightmares again!”
Reality: I’m propped up in bed, surrounded by snacks, mindlessly scrolling through social media with bloodshot eyes. -
Unvacuumed Floors.
Me to friends: “The vacuum really terrifies her. I just can’t bring myself to be the tough-love parent.”
Reality: The mere thought of wrestling with the vacuum cleaner, emptying the dust container, and moving furniture around makes me want to avoid it altogether. -
Untoned Abs.
Me to my childless friends: “After having a child, that part of your body just doesn’t bounce back.”
Reality: My stomach has never been toned; it’s been a lifelong battle that no amount of exercise or dieting has ever improved. -
Messy Car.
Me to a passenger: (Sheepish grin) “Kids, right? They’re just little crumb factories.”
Reality: A montage of me belting out 90s punk tunes while devouring snacks and carelessly tossing the remnants in the backseat. -
Unfinished Writing.
I decided to take a break from my writing to cherish some moments with my child, who will only be this age for a fleeting time.
Reality: A sudden nap opportunity arose, and I seized it. A crime that surely won’t earn me any jail time. -
Disorganization.
Me, when asked about the clutter: “You know how it is with kids.”
Reality: The clutter is a result of my chronic procrastination and inability to prioritize cleaning over relaxing.
These little parenting quirks may seem trivial, but they highlight the humor and chaos that come with raising a child. If you’re looking for more insights into fertility and parenting, consider checking out resources like Progyny or Make a Mom for guidance along your journey.
Summary
Parenting comes with its fair share of challenges, and it’s easy to find humor in the chaos. From messy floors to unfinished tasks, it’s often the children who bear the brunt of our frustrations. Embracing this reality can help lighten the load of parenthood, and resources are available for those looking to navigate this wild journey with more ease and understanding.
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