Using Pets as Preparation for Parenthood: A Comprehensive Guide in 78 Engaging Steps

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Many eager future parents acquire pets, believing these furry companions will help them prepare for the challenges of raising children. While pets can indeed impart valuable lessons, the way many individuals care for their pets may not fully translate to parenting. This guide aims to provide practical insights into how pet ownership can serve as a training ground for parenthood.

1. Start by adopting at least one dog and one cat. If you’re considering a larger family, feel free to expand your pet roster. This diversity mimics the array of personalities and needs you’ll encounter with children. Bonus points if they exhibit classic “fighting like cats and dogs” behavior.
2. Apply a generous layer of chunky peanut butter to your cat’s rear end (this will come into play later).
3. Equip the cat with a diaper.
4. Dress the cat in a onesie, pants, socks, and a hat.
5. Take the dog outside for potty time, but don’t forget the cat. Children should never be left unattended! The dog claims he doesn’t need to go, but can you trust him?
6. Time to dress your dog! He needs a shirt, pants, socks, and shoes.
7. Allow your dog to attempt tying his own shoes. He insists, “I can do it myself!”
8. After a frustrating attempt, you try to tie the shoes, but your dog freezes, refusing to cooperate. You’re running late.
9. Where’s the cat? You’ve been busy getting the dog ready!
10. You find the cat attempting to snack on the fish after knocking the bowl over. Quickly rescue the fish!
11. Your dog’s goldfish is now lifeless. He witnessed the whole incident and is looking to you for reassurance. Place the fish back in the bowl, refill it, and text your partner for an exact replica of Bubbles. Nothing less will do!
12. Clean up the cat, who is now a mess thanks to the goldfish incident.
13. Oh dear, there’s peanut butter smeared all over the cat. Stay calm; you don’t want to traumatize the poor creature while you clean it off.
14. Give the cat a bath.
15. In the midst of bathing the cat, your dog jumps into the tub.
16. Now you have both the cat and dog to wash.
17. The dog manages to poop in the tub.
18. Extract the wet, soapy pets from the tub before the mess contaminates them.
19. Grab a fishnet, fish out the mess, and flush it while juggling a wet, screaming cat.
20. Move to a different bathroom to finish washing the pets.
21. Redress both pets. While dressing the dog, the cat unrolls an entire roll of toilet paper and consumes an alarming amount.
22. Both pets are now hungry. Prepare an organic bento box for the dog and breastfeed the cat.
23. Leave the aftermath for your partner to handle.
24. Secure the cat and dog in their respective car seats and embark on an exciting trip to the beach!
25. Alternate between playing dogs barking Christmas carols and cats meowing Disney tunes.
26. Make a quick stop for essentials.
27. The dog has fallen asleep, but the cat throws up all over himself. Clean the cat and wake the dog, who is now cranky.
28. Place the cat in the cart, but the dog refuses to share space. Expect a shopping trip filled with drama.
29. At checkout, prevent your dog from snatching candy and stop the cat from swiping items off the shelves.
30. Pay for the candy your dog devoured, while apologizing for the cat’s antics.
31. Back in the car, switch to static to help your pets nap during the drive.
32. Enjoy the delightful sound of static for the entire trip.
33. You’ve arrived at the beach! Park the car and wait for the pets to wake up, still listening to static.
34. They’re awake! Load the stroller with your blanket, beach bag, and towels while managing the cooler and umbrella.
35. Apologize profusely for accidentally hitting other beachgoers with your gear while finding a comfortable spot.
36. Apply sunscreen to the dog, but let him roam freely—no leashes allowed here!
37. Slather the cat with thick baby sunscreen.
38. Take both pets to the water, ensuring the dog doesn’t drown while keeping the cat dry. The cat will scream if wet, while the dog protests if pulled away.
39. Lunchtime! Discreetly breastfeed the cat while ensuring the dog stays still with his organic veggie-wrap pinwheels.
40. The dog finishes quickly, while the cat continues to nurse. Keep the dog from begging off other families.
41. The cat is asleep! Now, entertain the dog without waking the cat.
42. The dog needs to go out, but the cat is still sleeping. In your search for the nearest restroom, your dog pees on the blanket. Cover it with sand.
43. The cat is awake. Time for another trip to the water—repeat steps 36-38.
44. It’s time to head home! Gather your belongings and retrace your steps.
45. The dog is crying to walk. Let him out and prepare for a leisurely stroll at a snail’s pace.
46. Apologize to passersby for your slow pace and any unintentional collisions.
47. Secure the pets in their car seats. They demand snacks. Hand the dog some cereal puffs and instruct him to share.
48. You’ve arrived home! Your partner is there. Let the dog out, who rushes inside.
49. Retrieve the cat from the car, which is now crusty from the dog’s food-sharing antics. You’ll leave the mess for your partner to manage.
50. You walk in just in time to see your spouse introducing a new goldfish to the dog. It’s chaos!
51. The dog screams, “Bubbles is dead!” Tears ensue.
52. Acknowledge your dog’s grief and begin planning a funeral. He wants to invite Nanny and Poppy.
53. Nanny and Poppy arrive, immediately offering unsolicited comments about your household management.
54. Bite your tongue to avoid escalating tensions.
55. Conduct the goldfish funeral.
56. The dog insists Nanny and Poppy stay for dinner. Make a mental note to Google his knowledge of funeral customs.
57. Delegate parenting duties to your partner and Nanny while preparing a post-funeral meal.
58. The dog refuses to eat your meal; he’s already been given candy by Nanny.
59. Breastfeed the cat while trying to enjoy your first proper meal of the day.
60. Clean up any food that has fallen on the cat.
61. Nanny and Poppy leave. A bittersweet moment.
62. Begin the bedtime routine. Time for baths! Thankfully, your partner is on duty.
63. Take a moment to use the bathroom before enjoying a celebratory glass of wine.
64. Forget that the cat has used all the toilet paper. Wait impatiently until your partner can bring you more.
65. Your wet dog brings you a roll of toilet paper.
66. The dog comments on your appearance, calling your tummy a “fat donut.”
67. Longingly glance at your glass of wine as you carry your squirmy dog upstairs.
68. Switch pets with your partner, so the dog can enjoy “Goodnight Moon” for the umpteenth time.
69. In the dark nursery, breastfeed the cat while listening to soothing white noise. Avoid distractions, as the cat is not interested in your boredom.
70. After a lengthy nursing session, emerge victorious with a sleeping cat.
71. The dog is still getting his bedtime story. Sneak past without being caught.
72. You’ve been noticed. Snuggle into the dog’s bed and read “Goodnight Moon” a few more times.
73. Leave the dog sleepy but awake in his room. Close the door and head downstairs for that glass of wine.
74. The dog is thirsty and calls for water. Send your partner to attend to him.
75. The commotion awakens the cat. Put down your drink and repeat the feeding routine.
76. Repeat the nursing process every two hours.
77. After the 4 AM feeding, when you’re wide awake and your partner is blissfully asleep, Google “Sleep training” until the next feeding.
78. Rise at 6 AM to a hungry cat and a dog who has had an unfortunate accident in his bed.

Repeat these steps for a decade, each time in various settings and with new, unpredictable developments.

In conclusion, while bringing a pet into your home may seem like a preparatory step towards parenthood, the reality of pet care can reveal the challenges of raising children. Whether you’re interested in exploring the world of artificial insemination or just looking for family-building options, be sure to check out resources such as Make a Mom and Resolve.