In today’s society, the cheerful faces that grace the pages of family magazines suggest that a happy child is the ultimate measure of effective parenting. If your little one is quick to smile, filled with laughter, and approaches each day with a sense of ease, congratulations! After tucking your happy child into bed, treat yourself to a well-deserved glass of wine — you’re nailing this parenting gig!
However, perhaps you’ve found yourself in my shoes, blessed with an easygoing child who, regardless of any parental shortcomings, captivates everyone from cashiers to postal workers with her radiant smile. Or maybe, like me, you are the mother of a child who is the complete opposite. You know, the little one who clings to you at the playground, terrified of the monkey bars, or the toddler who panics at the sight of a dog. The child who navigates the world in a whirlwind of tears and tantrums.
As a mother of two wonderfully distinct daughters, I can affirm that sometimes, despite all efforts, a child may simply be sad. It’s a harsh reality that some children, like my daughter (whom we’ll call Lily), are born with a natural zest for life, while others, like my second daughter (let’s refer to her as Ava), grapple with anxiety and fear from a very young age.
To be fair, a truly neglectful parent could stifle the spirit of even the most joyful child. But it’s essential we extend compassion to parents of children who struggle with sadness. While I’d love to take credit for Lily’s sunny disposition, she simply arrived that way. And though I often find myself blaming my parenting for Ava’s distress, I must remind myself that it is not entirely my fault. You, friendly grocery store clerk and well-meaning strangers, shouldn’t cast judgment either.
Ava has been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, and after countless hours reading about her condition and attending numerous specialist appointments, I’ve learned that the diagnosis and treatment can often be more perplexing than the symptoms themselves. Our developmental pediatrician likened sensory processing disorder to obscenity: it’s challenging to describe, but you recognize it when you encounter it.
A stroll through the park with Lily is genuinely enjoyable. She beams at everyone, claps her hands in delight at the sight of a dog, and exclaims, “Doggy!” with such fervor that even the busiest dog owner stops to compliment me on my wonderful daughter. In those moments, I savor the triumph of motherhood — knowing it won’t last forever.
Conversely, a walk with Ava resembles a tactical operation, with my anxious daughter flanked by guardians who are on high alert for dogs, lawnmowers, and other potentially frightening stimuli. During these outings, I sometimes struggle to maintain my composure as a parent, and I regret to say that I have had moments where my frustration boils over. On one occasion, after Ava darted into the street to escape an insect, I yelled, “I swear if you run into the street again, I will lose it!”
In those instances, the weight of motherhood becomes unbearable. Perhaps you’ve experienced this too. As you pull your distressed child back to safety or carry them out of a store amidst their wails, you can feel the mix of anger, sadness, guilt, and, oh yes, guilt again. You take a deep breath, fighting back tears that threaten to spill over, knowing that showing your own distress would only upset her further. You swallow hard, as if the emotions are a bitter pill waiting to dissolve in solitude. Because whether your child is happy or sad, your love remains unwavering, and every moment of imperfection stings more deeply than any other failure you’ve faced.
You may find yourself parenting a sad child, or perhaps your usually cheerful child is having a rough day. Regardless, after you’ve done your best and your weepy one is finally asleep, pour yourself a glass of wine — you’ve certainly earned it.
Next time you encounter a weary mother in a parking lot, struggling to contain her upset child, remember to offer a kind word. Your silence can feel like judgment to her, especially when her child isn’t smiling. If you would compliment a happy child, extend that same kindness to a sad one. Let that mom know she’s doing a commendable job. Maybe, just maybe, instead of leaving her car feeling defeated, she will share a smile with her sad child, and in the rearview mirror, catch a glimpse of a fleeting grin — one of those rare moments of motherhood that shines brighter than any glossy magazine cover.
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In summary, parenting can be a complex journey, filled with moments of joy and struggle. It’s important to acknowledge that not all children fit the mold of happiness, and understanding the individual needs of each child can lead to a more compassionate parenting experience. Celebrate the small victories, and remember to be kind to yourself along the way.
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