The Parental Aptitude Test: Essential for Every High School Student

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Recently, my child returned home with a math assignment featuring questions reminiscent of SAT-style problems. This prompted a reflection on the SATs, which many argue are outdated and unnecessary. The reality is clear: a student’s high school GPA often predicts their college performance. Thus, instead of the SAT, I propose we implement the Parental Aptitude Test (PAT) before our children graduate.

Forget the typical scenarios where adolescents are instructed to carry bags of flour or fake babies that cry. The popular TV challenges, like those on Dr. Phil where couples tackle car seat installations, do little to prepare future parents. Instead, I present a more effective assessment based on real-life parenting situations. Successfully navigating the following scenarios will serve as a true measure of one’s readiness to raise a child:

1. The Diaper Dilemma: This isn’t just about knowing how to put on a diaper. It’s about mastering the art of changing a very messy diaper. At some point, toddlers become fascinated with exploring their own mess. If you manage to keep your child, yourself, and the immediate area clean during this task, congratulations—you’ve passed.
2. The Phone Call Challenge: Enjoy your phone conversations while you can, because once children arrive, the phone transforms into a siren call only they can detect. To succeed in this section, you must carry on a full conversation while a toddler clings to your leg and two other children are in the background, engaged in a noisy scuffle.
3. The Awkward Observation: Imagine being in a room with a diverse group of individuals—an overweight person, someone with a disability, a woman with facial hair, and a little person. If your child remains silent and refrains from making any comments, you may proudly claim the title of “Best Parent Ever.” If not, you’ll need to silence your child without resorting to duct tape.
4. The Deli Experience: Attempt to order three distinct items from a deli while managing an 18-month-old. You will receive a number, but it will not match the one being served. Once you take a number, you cannot leave the area. Your child must remain in the cart—preferably one without any distractions like a steering wheel. If you can complete this task without resorting to bribery, you may bypass the final challenge.
5. The Great Escape: You have a mere ten minutes to get out of the house and into the car with a two-year-old. The countdown begins when your child is engrossed in an episode of Sesame Street. They must be fully dressed, and you must have essential items ready in the car, including diapers, wipes, snacks, and toys. The journey involves navigating distractions like puddles and blooming flowers. If you successfully reach the car, your child will inevitably need a diaper change before you can leave—refer back to challenge one.

Good luck!

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In summary, the PAT offers a humorous but insightful reflection on the challenges of parenting. It highlights the complexities of raising children and underscores the need for real-world preparation over traditional assessments.