How (Not) to Choose a Name for Your Baby

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Naming a child has become a peculiar contest in recent years, with parents striving to select the most unconventional or eye-rolling names imaginable. It seems like everyone is trying to be that person who makes others raise their eyebrows at their child’s unique name—often inspired by furniture, foreign cities, or simply an overabundance of consonants and random punctuation. Avoid falling into this category.

Here are some naming missteps to steer clear of:

1. Alter the Spelling of a Common Name
   Why complicate your child’s life by changing the spelling of a perfectly good name? Adding unnecessary letters or symbols only leads to confusion. For instance, making “Mark” into “Marq” or “Samantha” into “S’mantha” doesn’t add uniqueness; it just creates a lifetime of spelling corrections. It’s understandable if you want to modify a nickname slightly, like “Catie” for “Katie,” but otherwise, keep the spelling straightforward.
2. Create a Confusing Pronunciation
   Consider the case of a name like “Le-ah.” This name is pronounced “Lee-dash-ah,” which many people would never guess. Such names lead to a lifetime of clarifications and frustration for the child.
3. Choose a Name from the Opposite Gender
   While challenging gender norms is commendable, naming a child something clearly associated with the opposite sex can lead to confusion. For example, naming a girl “Maxwell” leaves many questioning your intent. There are subtler ways to challenge stereotypes without causing confusion.
4. Opt for a Nickname as the Formal Name
   A friend of mine, who hails from the South, had a name that was simply “JD.” This was not an abbreviation but the full name. This often led to the unfortunate need to explain that “JD” wasn’t short for anything, which can be tiresome. A name should ideally have some substance behind it.
5. Select a Name with a Weak Justification
   If you choose a name like “Esmeralda Ireland” due to familial significance, that’s a valid reason. However, picking a name based solely on a whim, such as a fascination with witches or a desire to visit Ireland, is less compelling. Avoid naming your child after random objects, trendy fictional characters, or fleeting fads.
6. Invent a Name for the Sake of Quirkiness
   The trend of creating new names from mashups is pervasive. While my partner and I jokingly considered merging our grandmothers’ names into “Glophia,” we ultimately decided against it since we had no real need to invent a name. If you lack a substantial reason for a unique name, it’s better to stick to established options.

Conclusion

Ultimately, you have the freedom to name your child whatever you choose. However, if you do decide to go with an unusual name, ensure there’s a solid rationale behind it. And if you’re worried about negative feedback or commentary, remember to embrace your choices confidently. If you’re set on a name, stand by it, and don’t shy away from sharing it. Sometimes, input from others may even provide valuable insights before finalizing a decision—like realizing that “Adam Samuel Samsonite” would lead to unfortunate initials.

When considering a name, keep in mind that while parents make the final decision, children will carry that name throughout their lives. Think carefully about the implications of your choices and how they may affect your child in the future.

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