There’s a remarkable 24-year age difference between my first child, Sarah, and my twin daughters, Lily and Grace. Yes, you read that correctly—24 years, not just months. I became a mother at 18 and, after Sarah left for college, I felt ready to embark on the journey of motherhood once again. I welcomed my twins when I was 42. Interestingly, Sarah is now a mother herself, making me a grandmother at one point, but that’s a story for another time. I navigated parenthood in the 1990s with Sarah, and I’m now raising my twins in the 2010s.
When people discover that I have essentially experienced two generations of parenting, they often ask me, “What’s the biggest difference between then and now?” The answer is straightforward: the internet, which has significantly altered my maternal instincts.
During my first experience with parenting, I didn’t consult any parenting books or articles. Instead, I relied solely on my instincts, however flawed they may have been. My mom was my primary source of advice, often delivered between puffs of her cigarette. While her guidance was imperfect, she raised me, and I turned out okay—so I didn’t have much to question. Miraculously, despite my shortcomings, Sarah grew into a wonderful adult contributing positively to society.
The second experience, however, was a completely different story. I quickly realized, “Wow, I have access to the internet! So much information is at my fingertips!” This discovery led me to spend hours searching for answers even before my twins were born. I found myself looking up things like “Why do my babies hiccup so much in the womb?” My instincts—or my mother’s advice—might have suggested it was due to something I ate, but the internet insisted that my babies might have their cords wrapped around their necks and were in grave danger. One day, after a particularly intense search session, I found myself in tears, convinced I needed immediate help.
My doctor advised me to stay away from the internet, but I didn’t heed that warning.
Once the twins arrived, my obsession with research only intensified. I downloaded numerous apps to track their feeding, diaper changes, burping, milestones, and playdates. I became paralyzed by the need to consult the internet before making any decisions. By the time they were two months old, I felt utterly overwhelmed, questioning my maternal instincts and intuition.
To be fair, the internet has its advantages. I’ve connected with other wonderful twin mothers, scored a great deal on a running stroller through Craigslist, and maintained contact with my mom who lives far away. However, the constant judgment, conflicting information, and alarming scenarios can easily lead to self-doubt and anxiety. Eventually, I had to take a step back and breathe. In doing so, I discovered a balance between online resources and trusting my instincts. Here are some tips to help you maintain your maternal instincts in the age of the internet:
1. Ignore the Judgment.
I was unaware of terms like “mommy wars” and “mom shaming” until I found myself deep in the internet rabbit hole during my pregnancy. While judgmental people have always existed, they used to be limited to family members, like Aunt Joan, who would offer unsolicited advice. Now, that same critical voice echoes online, amplified by countless strangers. Remember, everyone is just trying to figure it out, and anyone who claims to have all the answers is likely as unreliable as Aunt Joan.
2. Recognize Conflicting Advice.
The internet is rife with contradictory information. Should you wear your baby constantly or allow them to develop independence? Is co-sleeping beneficial or harmful? Should you feed your baby homemade purées or skip straight to solid foods? The options can drive anyone to madness. Every piece of advice has a counterpoint, and what works for one family may not work for another. Find what suits you and your family, and let the rest go.
3. Avoid Catastrophic What-Ifs.
Searching for solutions can lead to an avalanche of worst-case scenarios. Before long, you might find yourself convinced that a small blemish on your baby’s skin means a severe health issue. While it’s essential to be vigilant about serious problems, not every minor concern warrants panic. Limit your research time, identify a couple of possibilities, and consult your doctor for professional guidance.
4. Stay Away from Comments Sections.
This is critical. Comments sections are notorious for magnifying judgment, misinformation, and anxiety. I’ve wasted countless hours scrolling through them, only to emerge feeling disoriented and frustrated—much like recovering from a wild night out. Avoid this trap at all costs.
5. Trust Your Gut.
This is perhaps the toughest piece of advice. Second-guessing yourself is easy, but when you’re in doubt, seek input from trusted friends or family rather than anonymous voices online. Your instincts matter. They’re there for a reason.
I still consult the internet from time to time—today, I searched “easy crafts for toddlers with no mess.” But I’ve learned to take online information with a grain of salt. More often than not, I rely on my intuition. Occasionally, I reach out to my mom for her perspective. Despite the years that have passed since she raised children, her advice remains valuable. She might tell me, “Honey, it’s just a phase, they’ll outgrow it. Trust yourself.” While it may not provide a concrete solution, it reassures me that I’m doing okay as a mom. My instincts, like her advice, come from a place of love.
In conclusion, while the internet can be a valuable resource for parents, it can also cloud our instincts and create unnecessary anxiety. Striking a balance between seeking information and trusting your intuition is vital for a healthy parenting experience.
For more on parenting and the journey of conception, check out Make a Mom’s article on at-home insemination kits, or learn about the process of artificial insemination for additional insights.
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