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My Partner Could Benefit from More Time Outside the House (And Yours Might Too)
by Emily Thompson
Updated: June 2, 2019
Originally Published: July 4, 2017
Photo by Petar Chernaev / iStock
My partner is an incredible person in many ways. He’s a caring, attentive father. He’s a supportive and loving spouse. He’s also a dedicated and hardworking professional. And he’s a loyal friend.
However, there’s a concern: he hasn’t been spending enough time with friends lately, and that worries me.
As mothers and women, we often highlight the importance of friendships. We advocate for girls’ nights out and celebrate when we manage to escape for a weekend with friends without feeling guilty. Like many parents, my life is incredibly busy, filled with school activities, homework, and resolving disputes over video games. Some days, I don’t speak to anyone older than 10.
Yet, somehow, I manage to maintain my friendships. While my communication may be limited to lengthy text exchanges, I still feel connected to my friends. My work-from-home schedule allows me to sneak out for lunch or a coffee with a friend, and I embrace opportunities to enjoy a relaxing afternoon with a friend. Though my social calendar may not be overflowing, I cherish the quality of my friendships, which compensates for any lack of quantity.
My partner, on the other hand, lacks that same connection. He’s an extroverted person with numerous friends, many of whom he misses dearly. His friends are scattered across the country, and his commitments to work and family leave little time for socializing.
This challenge isn’t unique to him. Recently, a father named Jake Peterson shared his struggles with maintaining friendships in an article for a local publication: “I have a wife and two little boys. A few years ago, I moved to the suburbs, where I own a rather unremarkable home with vinyl siding and two aging vehicles filled with snack remnants. When I step on a Lego in the middle of the night, I remind myself that I’ve become a cliché.”
Peterson’s description resonates with our current reality: two kids? Yes. An unremarkable home in the suburbs? Absolutely. Crushed snacks and a living room full of toys? Check. (Though we have one minivan instead of two cars — close enough.)
A common thread among parents today is this: we’re all overwhelmed. We’re juggling work deadlines, kids’ activities, and the occasional illness. When our schedules become excessively packed, the first thing we tend to neglect is our friendships.
The reasoning behind this is understandable. Our children have immediate needs that friends do not. We also prioritize our jobs and our relationships at home. However, friends can often be sidelined. That said, friendship is crucial for our well-being — it’s not just about happiness but also about health. Research shows that loneliness increases the risk of serious health issues, including heart disease and cognitive decline. Some studies suggest loneliness can be as detrimental as smoking.
You might think, “That doesn’t apply to me; I’m not elderly.” But we can’t afford to overlook friendships now, as neglecting them can have long-term consequences. This dilemma of being overscheduled isn’t exclusive to men; women also face the mental and physical repercussions of loneliness. Yet, men often require shared activities to foster friendships, which can be difficult to arrange amidst the chaos of parenting and work.
In his article, Peterson notes, “During midlife, opportunities to connect often diminish. When a gap in your schedule arises, it feels wrong to leave your partner with the children. Moreover, my friends are in the same predicament. Planning a get-together demands effort, and if you’re always the one initiating, it’s tempting to let those connections fade.”
I recently shared Peterson’s article with my partner during a long drive, and I found myself holding back tears. This is our life, I thought. He deserves more than this. He’s a wonderful person — selfless, kind, and humorous. He’s a dedicated father and a better partner than I ever imagined. Like me, he misses his distant friends, but his work and family responsibilities often overshadow the need for social interaction.
“You should make a plan with your friends or your brother,” I suggested after finishing the article. “Join a league or something similar. Make it a regular event. You deserve this. Don’t worry about us. We can manage.” He just nodded, perhaps in agreement or out of acknowledgment that finding time for friends seems daunting.
But here’s the truth: I genuinely appreciate it when he goes out with friends. He returns home happier, and I can indulge in a quiet evening with a book or a cheesy movie. It’s important for our kids to see their dad nurturing friendships, as it instills the value of self-care and social connections. Ironically, it’s my partner who struggles most to carve out time for his friends amidst his selfless dedication to family.
Maybe he just needs a little nudge. Perhaps it’s up to me to encourage him to step out occasionally. It’s vital for both our well-being and allows me to enjoy some guilt-free time with friends as well.
In conclusion, it’s important for all of us, regardless of gender, to remind our partners of the value of friendships. Let’s encourage them to step out and reconnect with their pals for their health and happiness — and ours too.
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