It was meant to be my husband, Mark, and my designated “No TV Tuesday,” a time we carved out amidst the whirlwind of raising our three small kids. But with all the holiday planning chaos, we decided to switch it up and have a “No TV Wednesday” instead, catching one of our favorite shows live.
However, it wasn’t this week’s episode that got to us; it was the teaser for next week’s installment. Just that brief 30-second glimpse was enough to bring on the tears. This week, we learned that Kate lost her baby, and seeing her and Toby’s heart-wrenching reaction struck too close to home for us.
You see, we experienced a miscarriage about 14 months ago. Like Kate and Toby’s loss, ours was the early kind—the type that many people know can happen, which is why we hesitated to share the news initially. But easy? No way.
Those days following our loss were among the loneliest. It felt as if we shouldn’t be grieving so deeply, that perhaps our loss wasn’t as significant as others who have endured the pain of losing a baby close to term. Still, it hit us hard.
During the procedure to remove our baby’s remains, we spent the weekend taking turns crying. Eventually, I suggested we face it head-on. Genetic testing revealed we were having a girl, so we made a list of names, ultimately giving her one after her great-great-grandmother. It was an incredibly gut-wrenching night, where we talked about what she might be like in heaven. I imagined her with shiny brown hair like Mark’s and dimples like our daughter’s. We dreamed about what it would be like to meet her one day.
We thought we had processed the loss that night. But that teaser clip opened the floodgates again. We held each other, just like that evening, and realized that this grief lingers closer to the surface than we thought.
In the past year, we’ve faced a lot. Our son’s health became complicated, and we nearly lost him too. Last night, I saw a reflection in the mirror that I hadn’t noticed in a while—my nose swollen and my eyes so red that they looked like a spooky shade of blue. I’m tired of seeing that face staring back at me.
So, this week’s episode? I just can’t do it. Creators, I appreciate the rawness you bring to television; thank you for that. But some experiences are just too hard to relive.
If you’re navigating similar experiences, consider exploring resources like Make a Mom, an at-home insemination company offering reusable options, or joining a supportive community like Make a Mom’s Facebook group. Their how-it-works page offers insights into home insemination, and if you’re interested in options, you can check out their Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit or the Impregnator At-Home Insemination Kit for more details. For additional information on fertility, the Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is a fantastic resource.
In summary, while it’s tough to avoid certain triggers, connecting with supportive resources and communities can make a difference as you navigate through difficult emotions.
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