I ended my relationship with my mother almost two years ago, and since that day, we haven’t spoken a single word. She hasn’t even met my youngest child.
It’s a strange reality when the person who brought you into this world and was supposed to love you unconditionally fails to do so. That’s my mother in a nutshell.
There were moments when she tried, but they were fleeting, and I always ended up picking up the pieces, even as a child. It was exhausting and heartbreaking, until I realized I could no longer hold space for her in my life.
So, I made the tough decision to cut ties. This time, I’ve kept that boundary firmly in place. I’ve done it for my own well-being and for the sake of my family, who rely on me to show up as my best self every day. Carrying decades of emotional baggage just isn’t an option.
As a kid, I vowed never to be like my mom. Every time she hurt me, abandoned me, or betrayed my trust, I promised myself I would be her exact opposite. I would be the mom who is present, who prioritizes her children’s needs—mentally, emotionally, and financially. My kids would have my unwavering love and support, and I wouldn’t settle for a partner who didn’t share those values.
Pretty heavy thoughts for a young girl, right? But I had to mature quickly.
In many ways, I’ve stuck to that vow. I have three wonderful kids who fill my heart with joy every single day. Each of them is unique, and I can’t imagine life without them. They are my world. And their dad? He’s my best friend and an incredible father—everything I dreamed of and more.
Most days, I feel like I’m doing pretty well. But then, I’m my own harshest critic. I often let guilt over the tiniest mistakes consume me, fearing my kids might one day resent me like I resent my mom.
The thought of being cut out of their lives, missing out on my grandkids, or not having them drop by for a surprise visit is terrifying. Just the idea makes my heart race and tightens my chest. It’s enough to bring me to tears.
Like any parent, there are days when I stumble. I might yell or lose my patience, and in those moments, I see my mother staring back at me. I think, “Here we go again, Sam. You were meant to break the cycle, but now you’re repeating it.” And the guilt is overwhelming.
Instead of just acknowledging that every parent has shortcomings, I often spiral into anxiety, worrying about how my actions will affect my kids. I imagine them holding onto those moments of frustration well into adulthood.
Sometimes, I wonder if this is my karmic punishment for not accepting my mother as she is—dealing with the emotional manipulation and gaslighting as if it’s my penance for her bringing me into this world. It’s a messed-up thought process, but that’s what happens when your mom isn’t the nurturing figure she should be.
I’ve worked hard to manage my feelings about my childhood and tackle my mom guilt. I’m okay with being a work in progress. I know I can’t be a perfect parent—perfection is simply unattainable, so I’ve learned to adjust my expectations.
I might not be flawless, but I am a good mom. I’m committed to raising and loving my kids. Why? Because I show up every day, through the highs and lows, proving that I want to be there for them. I want them to know they are my top priority, that my love for them is unwavering, and that I cherish our family above all else.
I want them to feel safe with me, to know they were wanted and loved. I strive to be the soft place they can always land. And I’m doing that. I’m giving them what I never had, keeping my promise to be different from my mother. Sure, there are moments when I see traces of her in my behavior, and that scares me. But I refuse to be her.
I promise to do better, to apologize when I mess up, and to keep showing up—whether it’s easy or tough, because that’s what a good mom does. We rally for our kids.
Just the other day, I asked my oldest, my sweet seven-year-old: “Do you know that Mama loves you so much?” Without missing a beat, she replied, “Of course, I do, Mom.”
I think we’re going to be okay.
If you find yourself in a similar situation with a challenging parent and are doing your best to create a loving environment for your children, rest assured, they’re going to be just fine too.
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In summary, while I continue to navigate my own feelings about motherhood and my past, I remain committed to providing my children with the love and support they need. I refuse to let my past dictate my future.
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