Next fall, all three of my little ones will be off to school, leaving me with a whole lot of time on my hands. Well-meaning folks often ask, “What will you do with all that time?” I could rattle off a list: laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, working out, walking the dog, catching up on emails, paying bills, meeting friends for coffee, or just taking a breather. You know, all the things that come with being a stay-at-home parent (SAHP).
But here’s the thing — I can’t help but feel there’s something more I want to do. Somewhere beneath the layers of motherhood, there’s a part of me that craves to contribute in a bigger way. Before becoming a mom, I was a community organizer who worked tirelessly to ensure that marginalized voices were heard and that social injustices were addressed. I miss that.
As my kids spend more time at school, I find that my desire to make a difference only intensifies. I want to be part of repairing our world, which seems to be in a constant state of disrepair. And while altruism is a noble pursuit, I can’t shake the thought of my future self. When my kids graduate and I’m faced with an empty nest, will I even remember who I was before I became their mom? If I don’t take steps now to reconnect with my pre-motherhood self, I fear I might lose her forever.
I’ve been chatting with a few of my friends who have seamlessly blended motherhood with their careers. They’ve managed to maintain their identities as working women while also being amazing moms. I admire their confidence; they know what they want and how to juggle it all. They returned to work after maternity leave, keeping a piece of their former selves intact. I, on the other hand, jumped headfirst into the depths of motherhood and barely resurfaced for air.
When I see my working mom friends, they seem to wear their dual identities with grace. But when I look at myself, I see a tired, frazzled mom with a blank stare. Where’s the fire? Where’s the excitement? It’s hiding behind my fears.
It might be taboo to admit regret, but I genuinely wish I had kept one foot in the working world. If I had, I wouldn’t feel so intimidated about re-entering it. Author Jack Canfield once said, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear,” and I truly believe that. Before I became a mom, I faced fears about embracing this new identity, and I stepped up to the challenge. Now, I need to face my fears again, this time about balancing work and motherhood.
But taking on this new challenge doesn’t mean I’ll stop being a mom. I plan to tackle this with the same messy determination I’ve approached everything else in life, and with a whole lot of love for my family and myself.
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In summary, while motherhood has been an incredible journey, it has also left me grappling with a sense of lost identity and unrealized ambitions. As I ponder my next steps, I’m determined to reclaim that spark and find a balance between being a mom and pursuing my professional passions.
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