When you welcome a baby into your life, everyone talks about postpartum depression, which impacts about 15% of new moms. They also mention the baby blues, with 70-80% of new mothers experiencing mood swings or negative feelings after childbirth, according to the American Pregnancy Association. There’s a growing awareness of postpartum anxiety affecting roughly 10% of moms. You know you’ll be exhausted and overwhelmed, and you nod along, absorbing the warnings.
But no one prepares you for the rage.
Perhaps you felt it right from the start. Your baby is fed, changed, and cozy, yet they continue to wail and wail. You hold them close, and suddenly, that anger bubbles up inside you. You might think to yourself, “How could someone shake a baby?” It’s terrifying, and you’re left feeling ashamed because you know your little one isn’t trying to upset you. You would never hurt this tiny being, not in a million years.
Or maybe you managed to get through the baby phase only to confront this rage during the toddler years. When your child throws a fit over a toy or makes some unbearable noise, something inside you snaps. The rage rises, and before you know it, those angry words come tumbling out. You might stomp your feet or shout, reacting in a way you never thought you would. And then comes the shame, like a heavy cloak, making you want to curl up and hide. You didn’t know that part of you existed. You were never the angry type.
I used to be calm — or so I thought. Before having kids, I rarely raised my voice, except when reprimanding my dogs for sneaking food off my plate. Sure, things would irritate me, but I never felt that all-consuming rage until I had children. Now, I find myself boiling over when my son begs for more glow sticks at Target or refuses to wear the outfit I picked out for him. These are typical kid behaviors, yet they somehow send me into a tailspin.
Maybe you’ve learned to keep that rage in check. My partner, Jake, has mastered it. He can ride out the wave of frustration while still speaking in a calm, albeit firm, tone.
But maybe you’re like me, unable to contain it, and suddenly you’re shouting. You see the shock on your kids’ faces, and the shame floods back. If someone else were to yell at them, you’d go into full-on mama bear mode, but here you are, the one losing control. Reality hits you hard.
The shame can be overwhelming. You feel like the worst parent ever. If you grew up with yelling in your household — and I did — you likely promised yourself you’d do better. You placed your hands on your growing belly and vowed that your child would never feel the kind of rage you experienced as a kid. And now, you feel like you’ve failed them. You might apologize to your children, but it never seems to be enough.
You resolve to never lose your temper again. You might tell them, “I’ll do my best not to yell at you again,” as they stare at you with wide, innocent eyes. You hug them tightly, wanting to weep because you know rage can strike at any moment. When it does, you find yourself snapping before you even realize it.
I wish I had endless patience. I wish I could diffuse arguments and enforce rules with gentle kindness. Maybe I can pull it off for a few days, but then something triggers me, and I’m back to square one. I wish I didn’t have to feel ashamed of my emotions. Some people seem to handle their anger with grace, and I aspire to be like them.
No one prepares us for this rage, and they certainly don’t mention the superhuman patience we’ll need. Parenting is an ongoing learning experience, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I’ll keep showing up and doing my best, and I know you will too.
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In summary, parenting is a roller coaster of emotions, including unexpected rage. We’re all learning and striving to be the best we can be as we navigate these challenges.
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