A few months ago, during an appointment with my OB-GYN, I was introduced to a term that would change everything: secondary infertility. My partner and I had decided two years prior that we were ready to expand our family, eager to welcome a second child. However, as months passed without success, our initial excitement morphed into anxiety and disappointment. Two years later, we find ourselves grappling with unfulfilled hopes and deep heartache.
Our first child, a daughter, came to us after nine months of trying and some rounds of Clomid. This time, my doctor started me on the same medication immediately, and I naturally assumed it would yield similar results—but it didn’t. After six months of Clomid and various lab tests, our doctor suggested artificial insemination. We weren’t convinced it was the right route for us, especially given its success rate of just 10-20%. Considering the cost and emotional toll, we decided to stick to traditional means of conception.
In my quest for answers, I explored acupuncture, massage, and essential oils, even indulging in some quirky old wives’ tales (pineapple, anyone?). I reluctantly consulted a psychic who promised I’d be expecting by fall, or else it would be her last reading. I longed for a sign—anything to indicate that our dream of having another child was still alive. Yet, if a signal came, I must have overlooked it.
Every month, I meticulously tracked my cycles, took ovulation tests, and reminded my partner about our “timed intercourse.” Let me tell you, the magic of intimacy can be quite strained when it coincides with a marital disagreement. My heart aches when I think about the couples who have been on this journey longer than we have. Some days, I question whether I have the right to feel this way, especially since we have a daughter. But then I remind myself that grief doesn’t need to be justified.
A year ago, we committed to trying until the end of this year, and here we are. My emotions fluctuate daily—sometimes I feel blessed for our little trio, while other times I mourn the sibling I can’t give my daughter. I never envisioned our family would consist of just one child; that was never the plan. Accepting that I can’t control this situation has been incredibly challenging. Each negative pregnancy test seems to hurt more than the last. How much longer can I walk past an empty crib? Should I keep holding onto baby toys, bottles, and those tiny clothes?
The depth of my pain is something most people don’t see. It’s a heartache that resonates in my bones. I’m fortunate to have a supportive circle of friends who listen, cry, and stand by me. Yet, many people hesitate to ask couples about growing their families, often unaware of the struggles behind the scenes. While I initially kept our attempts a secret for fear of jinxing it, I eventually realized the importance of sharing our struggles. No one should have to endure this silently.
People often say things like “just stop worrying, and it will happen,” but such platitudes can feel hollow. What can you say to a friend who has experienced a failed IVF cycle or a heartbreaking miscarriage? The truth is, sometimes there are no words. I found myself replaying phrases like “if it’s meant to be” and “everything happens for a reason.” But why can’t I conceive? Am I a bad person or parent? I eventually accepted that sometimes, the reason is simply that there isn’t one. Life can be unfair, and that’s a hard truth to swallow.
As we watch our friends and family welcome new babies, I experience a strange mix of joy and sorrow. My hope is that one day, this will be a distant concern, and I can fully grieve my lost dreams for our family while embracing the life I have. Moments, even the painful ones, are fleeting.
For those navigating similar challenges, I recommend checking out this insightful resource on fertility and home insemination. If you’re considering at-home options, explore this at-home insemination kit to assist you on your journey, and don’t overlook the importance of male fertility with this fertility booster for men.
Summary
The journey of secondary infertility can be filled with emotional turmoil and heartache. As couples navigate their struggles, it’s essential to communicate and not suffer in silence. Acceptance of one’s situation is crucial, but so is seeking support from friends and resources available for those facing similar challenges.
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