Earlier today, I received a call from my younger sister seeking advice for a colleague whose friend experienced the heart-wrenching loss of a stillborn child this week. My own experience with loss is recent; my daughter, Lily, was born full-term and lived just 30 hours. We never anticipated joining the tragic group of parents who endure such a profound loss.
After discussing with my partner and connecting with other parents who have faced similar heartbreak, I compiled a list of actions that are genuinely supportive, as well as those that may unintentionally cause more pain.
1. Avoid vague offers of help.
When tragedy strikes, it’s impossible to determine what you need. Instead of saying, “Let me know how I can help,” offer something specific. For instance, “I’ll bring over dinner tonight at 6 PM,” is far more effective. If you’re going grocery shopping, say, “Can I grab some milk or bread for you?” This makes it easier for grieving parents to accept help.
2. Bring meals or set up a meal train.
In the aftermath of Lily’s death, preparing food was the last thing on our minds. A coordinated meal schedule from friends and family made a world of difference. Simple instructions for reheating meals are crucial, as cognitive functions can be impaired during grief. Labeling items like “remove plastic wrap before cooking” could prevent mishaps.
3. Remember the important dates.
The first of each month is especially tough for grieving parents. I think about Lily and how old she would be each month. A friend sends me flowers on the anniversary of her birth, which brings me comfort. If you’re unsure, set a reminder on your phone to reach out on significant days.
4. Help create a warm environment.
If you’re close to the family, make their home inviting for their return from the hospital. Offer to tidy up, add fresh flowers, and stock the fridge with basic necessities. A care package with postpartum essentials, snacks, and comforting items can also be uplifting.
5. Don’t forget the father.
Grief affects partners differently, and it’s important to check in with them as well. Encourage your partner to spend time with the grieving father. They may need to share their feelings in a safe space with someone who understands.
6. Use simple expressions of sympathy.
A heartfelt “I’m so sorry” can mean the world. Steer clear of clichés like “Everything happens for a reason,” which can feel dismissive. Just letting them know you’re there to listen is often enough.
7. Respect their space regarding the nursery.
It’s important to ask before making any changes to the nursery or packing away baby items. While it may seem like a helpful gesture, the parents should decide how and when to address those spaces.
8. Feel free to ask questions.
Don’t shy away from discussing the baby or the circumstances surrounding their loss. It’s okay to inquire about Lily’s story; I appreciate when people acknowledge my daughter.
9. Share your pregnancy news personally.
If you’re expecting, inform your friend in person or via a phone call instead of a social media announcement. It shows sensitivity to their situation and allows for a more thoughtful conversation.
10. Offer ongoing support.
Grieving is a long and winding journey. Sometimes, I just need someone to sit with me in silence or engage in an activity that allows me to express my emotions. A friend once suggested breaking plates when I felt overwhelmed; that’s a creative way to release pent-up feelings.
11. Acknowledge the loss in casual encounters.
If you run into me, don’t pretend everything is normal. If you’re aware of the situation, a simple acknowledgment of my loss can ease the tension.
12. Speak my child’s name.
Hearing Lily’s name brings me joy, even if it sometimes leads to tears. It’s a reminder that she was real and loved.
By walking alongside me through my pain, you’ll help me navigate this challenging journey. Grief transforms how one thinks and feels, making it crucial to have supportive friends to lean on.
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In summary, when a friend suffers the loss of an infant, your thoughtful and specific support can make a world of difference. Be intentional in your offers of help, remember important dates, and keep the lines of communication open. Just knowing that you care can be incredibly comforting during such a difficult time.
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