Two weeks after my son was born, my partner had to admit me to an outpatient mental health facility. I hadn’t slept in 11 days. The whirlwind of breastfeeding, adjusting to a newborn’s erratic sleep patterns, and grappling with the overwhelming experience of motherhood hit me like a freight train. Despite preparing through articles, books, and conversations with seasoned parents, nothing could fully equip me for the reality of becoming a mother.
To provide some context, I had been managing anxiety for a decade prior to my pregnancy. In preparation, my partner and I consulted with my psychologist to find a suitable antidepressant dosage that would minimize risks during pregnancy. We also chose an OB-GYN experienced with patients like me, anticipating that I might encounter postpartum depression. What we weren’t prepared for, however, was postpartum psychosis.
I won’t detail the distressing aspects of my experience, as I still grapple with feelings of embarrassment and shame, even though I know I shouldn’t. The reality was that my mental state had deteriorated to the point where my newborn was in danger due to my irrational thoughts, exacerbated by insomnia and the hormonal shifts following childbirth.
I had never heard of postpartum psychosis until I found myself in the hospital, trying to navigate the fog of confusion that had enveloped me. When I was discharged, I was prescribed new antipsychotic medication that prevented me from breastfeeding. I returned home feeling isolated, filled with doubts about my ability to care for my son. Although there were others facing delusions related to bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety in the hospital, none were new parents like me.
Thankfully, my mother connected me with a woman named Sarah at Postpartum Awareness. When I reached out, Sarah made time to personally share her own experience with postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) after her first child. Her willingness to open up lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. She reassured me that I shouldn’t feel ashamed and that recovery was possible, even if it didn’t happen after every birth.
While I haven’t spoken with Sarah since that call—talking about this topic is still very raw for me—my journey has been one of ups and downs as I navigate what medications and lifestyle choices work best for me as a mother. I’ve changed since my son’s birth, but I feel stronger and more self-aware.
Now, as my son approaches his first birthday, I can confidently say I am happy. The year 2018 was a mix of joy and struggle, but I’ve learned that motherhood is an ongoing journey of self-discovery. I found a female psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression, and I take medication that doesn’t leave me in a constant state of fatigue. I’ve shifted from full-time teaching to spending mornings with my son and teaching in the afternoons.
I’m sharing this story because of a particular moment that struck me: when I cautiously mentioned my experience with postpartum psychosis to another mother, her reply was, “I don’t know what that is.” It was a stark reminder of the lack of awareness surrounding this issue. My hope is for increased support and education for women who have experienced postpartum psychosis. No one should feel ashamed about finding their balance in motherhood.
As a mother, I’ve learned that caring for myself is paramount to being the best parent I can be. Right now, I feel equipped to be that parent for my son, although I recognize that this journey is about progress, not perfection.
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Summary
Understanding postpartum psychosis is essential for new mothers. My experience with this condition led to feelings of isolation and shame, but reaching out for support helped me feel “normal” again. It’s crucial for mothers to prioritize their well-being for the sake of their children, as this journey is one of continuous growth and self-discovery.
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