I Was Separated From My Mother, But Her Absence Still Haunts Me

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I find myself missing my mother. Is it permissible to express that? Can someone who distanced herself from another while they were alive still feel that absence after they’ve passed? I believe it’s possible—indeed, it must be—because I do. The truth is, I felt that ache even when she was here, though not in the way a mother should be present, and certainly not as she once was.

In those times, my longing was tinged with a sort of whiny, self-pitying tone. If I had been able to voice my feelings (and I couldn’t), I would’ve been unbearable, and you might have wanted to cover your ears to escape my complaints. I missed her support, the way she held our family together, and the wisdom I craved when I was overwhelmed with postpartum challenges, juggling a baby on each hip and the weight of my own struggles. I wished she could reassure me, saying, “It will get easier,” and I wanted to believe her—perhaps she had found happiness in her own life by then.

But she hadn’t. Instead of growing into that happy grandmother I imagined, she was still battling her demons. There I stood, lost in my own frustrations, momentarily forgetting how much more difficult things must have been for her. It’s often easier to focus inward rather than confront the harsh realities of others’ pain.

Now, however, my longing for her has transformed. It’s a deep ache that resonates within me, touching the very core of my existence—the rhythmic pulse that governs my breath, my heartbeat, and my love for my children. I think back to her life, especially the last decade marred by mental illness and addiction, and my heart breaks anew, this time for her, not because of her.

I miss her not out of loneliness or confusion, though I certainly experience those feelings too. My longing is rooted in something more profound and everlasting: I miss her simply because I am her daughter.

I share this to remind you that it’s perfectly okay to feel whatever you need to feel about the voids in your life. It’s alright to express frustration, anger, or sadness. It’s normal to find humor in the absurdity of life. Your emotions may fluctuate wildly throughout the day, leaving you feeling dizzy or disoriented.

And I want to share the comforting words I yearned to hear from her: it does get easier. Life improves, and wherever you are on your journey, embrace that space. You are not alone in your experience.

For more insights on navigating the complexities of motherhood and home insemination, explore resources like Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit and learn about in vitro fertilization for further understanding.

In summary, it’s natural to miss someone even after a separation, and it’s important to honor those feelings. Grief can be complex, and it’s okay to experience a range of emotions as you navigate your path.