“Slow down! You’re going to get us killed!” I shouted at my husband, Mark.
I don’t usually exaggerate (okay, maybe I do), but when you’re barreling down the German Autobahn at about 130 mph, it’s hard not to panic. Mark, who is typically gentle and caring, had borrowed a high-performance car from a friend for our rare night out without the kids. He wanted to make the most of it, and honestly, who could blame him? He works hard and deserves to unwind, right?
Well, yes and no.
Earlier that evening, I had expressed my discomfort about the car’s power. Its engine roared ominously, making me feel uneasy. The drive to the restaurant was exhilarating, and I might have even laughed nervously a few times. But I reached my limit. I half-joked, half-seriously pleaded with him to drop me off at home before he took the car for another spin.
Clearly, my concerns didn’t register with him. Thus, my frantic shouts and the desperate wish to see our children again.
When we finally arrived home, I was at a loss for words. The silence stretched on until Mark broke it by asking, “Why aren’t you talking to me?”
I finally opened up. I explained that when he ignored my pleas to slow down, it felt like a violation—like I was being assaulted again.
My traumatic experience occurred over two decades ago, long before Mark and I met. He was aware of my past and the emotional scars it left behind.
“What? Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to… I thought you were having fun. You were laughing…” he replied, his voice trembling with regret.
“I did laugh, but I clearly said, ‘Slow down!’ and ‘Please stop!’ Those words were disregarded,” I explained. “I didn’t consent to this wild ride. You have the right to your own body, but not to mine!”
I’ve been teaching our children about consent since they were toddlers, emphasizing that everyone controls their own body and must always seek permission before touching someone else. The challenge lies in getting them to stop when requested, especially during playtime. However, Mark should have known better.
“You’re right. I’m truly sorry,” he acknowledged. “What can I do to prevent this from happening again? Maybe we should establish a safe word or something?”
A safe word.
This concept holds a deeper significance than simply saying “no” or “stop.” It indicates that someone has reached their limit and that the current activity must cease immediately. It’s a serious matter, not to be taken lightly.
Unfortunately, safe words often carry a stigma, primarily associated with kinkier contexts. However, they can be beneficial for everyone, even in family settings. I found Mark’s suggestion brilliant. We decided to let our kids choose the word, which would empower them to use it whenever they felt uncomfortable. Eventually, my daughter suggested “lederhosen,” and it became our official family safe word.
I genuinely adore our safe word. I sometimes wish we could trademark it and retire on a tropical island because it has significantly improved our communication about boundaries. The power of “lederhosen” has proven effective in situations where traditional commands like “no” or “stop” didn’t suffice.
Parents, ever find your kids climbing all over you while you’re trying to work? Just say “lederhosen!” Tired of your mom’s affectionate, sloppy kisses? “Lederhosen!” Of course, the safe word has its humorous downsides; my kids often think they can use it to avoid chores or doctor visits, exclaiming “It’s our bodies, we get to choose!” But they’re learning that some matters, especially regarding health and safety, require a different approach.
Since that pivotal night, I’ve regained trust in Mark. Now, as we cruise down the Autobahn, he knows that if I say “lederhosen,” he’ll ease off the gas. No more drama. No more silent treatment. I’m proud of him for respecting my boundaries and showing our children the importance of consent. He truly understands now, and that deepens my love for him.
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Summary:
In a candid account, Emily Carter shares how a harrowing car ride led to a profound conversation about trust and consent with her husband, Mark. After a frightening experience on the Autobahn, the couple established a family safe word, “lederhosen,” to ensure everyone’s comfort and respect personal boundaries. This simple yet powerful word has transformed their communication, reinforcing the importance of consent in their family.
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