March 24, 2023
They prepare us for stretch marks and sleepless nights. They share tales of diapers and how our bodies will transform post-breastfeeding. They even caution us about car seat safety. Yet, amidst all the advice, no one warns us about the guilt that comes with motherhood.
There’s the “working mom guilt,” the “too many kids and not enough attention guilt,” the “only one child and he doesn’t have a sibling guilt,” and the “why can’t I be more fun?” guilt. It feels like it never ends.
As our children grow, we encounter new forms of guilt around every corner. Thanks, motherhood! Right now, I’m grappling with the “I’m finally focusing on myself for once guilt.” It’s a strange feeling to embrace something I love, yet feel a constant pang of guilt. It’s like tiny knives poking at my heart every few minutes throughout the day.
I feel remorseful because my oldest child experienced a different version of me than my youngest. For the five years leading up to kindergarten, my firstborn had a mom who was lonely, bored, and desperate for social interaction. We attended playdate after playdate—parks, coffee shops, friends’ houses, you name it. I was all in with the stay-at-home mom lifestyle. Crafts! (Remember the birdhouse we made from an orange juice container? It grew mold and fell apart almost instantly, but hey, we tried!) Books! Educational shows! Nature walks!
My entire identity was intertwined with my son’s life, which I assumed would fulfill me. I thought motherhood would fill me up completely. Yet often, I felt empty. That guilt—the “why don’t I love motherhood the way I thought I would?” guilt—was particularly intense.
Even though I was present every single moment, I still felt guilty. When my daughter arrived, I began to evolve into a new version of myself. One day, I wrote something that resonated with a few people, and it was exhilarating. I could do something beyond changing diapers! I fell in love with writing, and it brought me a sense of purpose and energy that motherhood hadn’t provided.
Even after I started writing, I maintained my playdates, park trips, and room mom duties for a few more years. I still identified as “just” a stay-at-home mom. But slowly, I was becoming something more.
By the time my third child was born, that new mom was also emerging. As he began to understand the world around him, I was already writing every day. He has never known the stay-at-home mom that his older brother had. Instead, he has a work-from-home mom who doesn’t volunteer in school as often and skips playdates. Outdoor play has transformed from weekly park visits to simply telling him to “go outside and ride your bike” or “play on the swing set.” He often watches TV or plays on the iPad while I write.
I still take my kids to the park, but it’s less frequent now. I play board games, read books, and yes, we still manage a few crafts. However, my time is more precious and limited. My youngest may only get an hour of quality time with me, while the old me had endless minutes to spare.
And yes, I feel guilty.
But along with that guilt, I also feel a profound sense of fulfillment. I feel important, successful, and valued in my work. Motherhood doesn’t fill every void for everyone, even if we know raising our children is paramount.
Did I cherish those early playdates and friendships? Absolutely! Those women were my lifeline. The conversations about diaper rashes and sleepless nights were vital then. But as I dove deeper into motherhood, I realized I needed more. Once I discovered what that was, it meant making a choice—a choice to be a different kind of mom, one who demonstrates to her children the importance of self-care.
At the end of each day, I reflect (often with guilt) on how much time I spent with my kids, especially my little one, who is home with me for half the day. Did I do enough? Was I truly present? If the answer is no, I resolve to do better tomorrow, which I usually do. I set aside the computer for a nature walk or a marathon of CandyLand.
Yet, I also continue pursuing my work, showing my children what it looks like for a mom to care for herself too. Because a mother’s work is never truly finished.
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In summary, the unspoken guilt of motherhood is a complex mix of emotions that evolves as our children grow. While we may feel a deep sense of fulfillment in our personal pursuits, it doesn’t lessen the guilt we sometimes experience. Balancing motherhood and self-care is an ongoing journey, but it’s vital for both mothers and their children.
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