We have a term for it in our house: “the defiant look.” My eight-year-old daughter, Mia, has a unique way of showing her strong will. She tilts her head, makes direct eye contact, and purses her lips into a straight line. After delivering her signature look, she goes ahead and ignores my instructions. For instance, when I ask her to turn off the TV and go to bed, she gives me that look and continues watching.
Just the other day, at my son’s soccer match, I asked Mia to take her younger brother to the playground. Instead, she shot me the defiant look and walked away, leaving him right beside me. Each time she does this, I can’t help but feel a mix of frustration and respect. “Knock it off with that look,” I tell her. “Who do you think you are?” Yet, she persists.
As annoying as her attitude can be, I appreciate her strong spirit. I want my children to be kind, but I also want them to know how to stand up for themselves and others. I don’t want them to be overly accommodating or easily taken advantage of.
Before becoming a parent, I would listen to my sister complain about her daughter’s behavior. She often talked back and acted like she was in charge. I used to tell her that this demonstrated her daughter’s emerging independence and strength. “She’s destined to be a leader,” I insisted. My sister would look at me as if to say, “You have no clue.”
And honestly, I didn’t. It can be a challenge to raise a strong-willed child. The question many parents face is: how do you balance encouraging assertiveness while preventing your child from being too nice, which could lead to them being walked all over? I want my kids to be the type of people who advocate for themselves—whether it’s negotiating a salary or standing up against bullying.
Reflecting on my own life, I realize that I sometimes missed opportunities to voice my needs. I want my kids to avoid the regret of not standing up when it matters. Parenting is about nurturing positive traits while curbing negative ones, all while maintaining your sanity.
So, when Mia flashed me that look and started to walk away, I called her back. We discussed the importance of respect within our family. She pouted and stared at the ground, but I emphasized that I wanted her to grow into a strong woman. However, part of that strength involves respecting family responsibilities.
About twenty minutes later, while playing, an older child pushed another younger kid. Mia approached the aggressor, gave him the same defiant look, and told him to back off. She stomped her feet, just as she does when I insist she take a bath or eat her veggies. To my surprise, the older boy backed down. I couldn’t help but feel proud. Afterward, I congratulated her for standing up for the younger child. “What you did was fantastic,” I told her. “Those are the moments when it’s essential to be strong-willed.” She beamed with pride and marched back to the playground, feeling empowered.
Raising children who can stand up for themselves and advocate for others means teaching them to know when to push back and when to be considerate. It’s about fostering the right kind of assertiveness in them.
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In summary, fostering a strong-willed spirit in children is essential, but it must be balanced with teaching them to respect family dynamics and advocate for others. It’s about nurturing their independence while instilling values of kindness and respect.
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