In my family, there’s an interesting tale about my great-grandfather and his seven brothers, who all promised to reunite in Nova Scotia after migrating from the “Old World.” However, my great-grandfather found himself in St. Paul, MN, and it’s from him that we inherited our collective struggle with direction. For the past two decades, I have often found myself lost while driving, relying on an array of navigational aids, from traditional maps to GPS technology.
In a similar vein, my mother served as my guiding compass in life. She was my constant, my beacon. I would call her three to five times daily, and she was present for the birth of both my children. During a job interview, when asked how I tackle challenging situations, I answered, “I first reach out to my mom — she’s my sounding board.”
My mother had an innate ability to support me while also challenging me when necessary. Although I married the man of my dreams, my mother was my true soulmate. Last week, I watched her take her final breath, and now, I find myself navigating life without any sense of direction. The loss of the most incredible person I’ve ever known has left me adrift, without my guiding star.
How do I share my daughter’s fantastic lip-sync performance with her? Who do I consult when I face conflicts with my husband? When I doubt myself as a mother, who can I turn to? While I have friends, family, and my husband to lean on, none can replace the unique bond I had with my mother.
In the weeks since her passing, I have grieved deeply, yet I’ve also gained valuable perspective. I witnessed my mother’s departure, yet she did not witness my demise. Though her time was cut short, it is a natural order of life. A part of me recognizes that she was fortunate to not have to bury me. I also understand that she lived for 16 years following a devastating cancer diagnosis, enjoying 14 years of good health. She attended my wedding and built relationships with my children, moments I doubted would occur at the time of her diagnosis. These memories are precious gifts, but they do little to fill the void in my heart.
In this difficult time, my community has rallied to support me. The outpouring of love from my mother’s lifelong friends and acquaintances has been overwhelming. Upon my return from Florida to observe shiva, my home was filled with visitors, many of whom had never met my mother but felt a connection through my stories. My community is nurturing my family, providing meals, rides, hugs, and countless phone calls to check on my wellbeing. Despite this, I still grapple with how to navigate life without her.
I’m aware that I am neither the first nor the last person to experience the loss of a mother. Many are fortunate to have had the best mothers in the world. Yet, my mentor, best friend, and hero is no longer here to share in my life’s moments, to laugh with me, or to guide me. Although many have said the comforting words “she is always with you,” which feel almost like a platitude, I am currently just trying to navigate life as if I am blindfolded, pretending I can see.
If you are exploring similar paths in life, whether it be navigating motherhood or seeking insight into home insemination, consider checking out resources like IVF Babble for valuable information. You might also find our blog post on at-home insemination kits useful. For those interested in a wider range of options, Make a Mom is an authority on the subject, offering insights that can support your journey.
In conclusion, the heartache of losing a mother is profound, yet the love and lessons she leaves behind provide a foundation for navigating life’s challenges.
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