It’s inevitable that, at some point, we will come across a parent who believes their child is flawless. This parent often sees their child as the perpetual victim, with every mishap somehow being someone else’s fault. For instance, if their child’s academic performance declines, the reasoning typically shifts to a mean teacher rather than the child’s distractions during class. In any conflict, the inquiry isn’t “What happened?” but rather “What did the other child do to my precious one?” These parents are quick to contact others over grievances, storm into schools demanding to speak with the principal, and consistently lament about perceived injustices against their child.
While it’s true that bullying and unfair treatment can occur, and it is crucial to advocate for our children when they are truly wronged, we must first assess whether they are genuinely victims. If your child repeatedly finds themselves on the receiving end of conflict, it may be time for some introspection regarding their actions. Parents must recognize that sometimes it is indeed their child who is at fault. If you consistently shield them from accountability, you inadvertently teach them that it’s acceptable to misbehave as long as they can shift the blame elsewhere.
Initially, a parent’s instinct is to defend their child, which is a natural and commendable reaction. However, after the initial emotional response, it’s essential to separate feelings from facts. Consider the possibility, however small, that your child may bear some responsibility. Conflicts rarely arise without provocation, and consequences are seldom random. It’s critical to evaluate their role in any given situation honestly, even if it feels out of character.
Accepting that your child has made a mistake can feel like a personal failure in parenting, but it’s important to remember that children are individuals who will occasionally err, regardless of how well they typically behave. This is part of their growth and understanding of boundaries. For example, my son Oliver, whom I usually regard as the kindest of my children—thoughtful and respectful—once acted out in anger by urinating on his brother’s pillow. This shocking behavior was unexpected, but it served as a reminder that even the most well-mannered children can act inappropriately.
When such incidents occur, it’s vital to seize the opportunity to teach your child about accountability. This approach helps them understand the importance of owning their actions instead of deflecting blame. Allowing children to evade responsibility sends the message that they lack control over their lives, fostering a mindset that the world is unfairly against them. If children believe nothing is ever their fault, they may feel powerless to effect change.
Should you find your child repeatedly embroiled in disputes, whether at school or among peers, take time to assess the situation before reacting. The protective instinct to defend your child is strong and understandable, but an objective evaluation of the circumstances is necessary to avoid raising a child who feels entitled or learns to blame others.
In summary, fostering a sense of accountability in children is crucial for their development. Those who never learn to take responsibility for their actions often struggle with this as adults.
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