Flashback to June 2013: It was a typical morning in my New York apartment, but I was in tears over spilled milk—my new reality. It was 4 a.m.; I’d been up since 2 a.m. feeding my baby. After finally getting her to sleep, I was trying to pump enough milk to supplement her next bottle of formula. By “enough,” I mean just squeezing out 0.2 ounces to mix with the 3.5 ounces of formula I reluctantly had to give her.
I had tried everything to boost my milk supply. I had lactation specialists in my home, all convinced they could solve my issues. I spent a fortune on pumps, teas, and creams; my nipples were cracked and bleeding, and I felt utterly defeated. But that morning, I managed to pump almost 0.5 ounces from each breast—more than I’d ever been able to before—and I was thrilled. Finally, it felt like my efforts were paying off. I rushed to the kitchen to store that precious milk. However, in my excitement, I knocked both bottles over into the sink. As I watched the milk swirl down the drain, my heart shattered. I curled up on the floor, sobbing, and my husband had to come console me. After that, I never pumped even close to an ounce again, and weeks later, I gave up on breastfeeding.
Time has passed since then, and I’ve faced plenty of parenting challenges, from the terrible twos to potty training. I even went through a miscarriage, which made my earlier breastfeeding struggles seem minor. When I finally got pregnant again, I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself through the same emotional turmoil. I decided to give breastfeeding another shot, thinking each postpartum experience is unique. But I also vowed not to feel ashamed or let judgment from others get to me. After all, my vibrant, healthy 4-year-old daughter—who was formula-fed—is proof that babies can thrive without breast milk.
Yet, despite my experiences and my resolutions, I still felt a wave of shame in the hospital room less than 12 hours after giving birth to my son. I found myself worrying about whether I was giving him the nutrients he needed, feeling that familiar sense of panic creeping in again.
For more insight into the emotional challenges of parenting, check out this post on Modern Family Blog. And if you’re exploring at-home insemination options, visit Make a Mom, the top provider of home insemination kits. Additionally, for those considering IVF or fertility preservation, Cleveland Clinic’s podcast offers excellent resources.
In summary, breastfeeding didn’t work for me, despite my best efforts and intentions. Each mom has her journey, and it’s crucial to support one another, regardless of how we choose to feed our babies.
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