A month ago, I underwent a scheduled C-section for the birth of my second child. As I lay on the operating table, a mix of excitement and anxiety flooded my mind: “He’s almost here!” followed by a nagging worry, “What if it happens again?” I quickly dismissed the thought, having prepared as thoroughly as possible. I had discussed my concerns openly with my healthcare provider, explored treatment options, and established a support system. But the specter of “It”—my personal term for postpartum depression and anxiety—loomed large.
Three years prior, my first child arrived in a whirlwind of unexpected drama. The initial weeks were a rollercoaster of emotions typical for new mothers, but soon I found myself grappling with panic attacks. They multiplied rapidly, leading to sleepless nights, digestive issues, and a constant swirl of tears. One day, while driving home, I veered into a U-turn lane and felt an overwhelming urge to escape my life, my husband, my newborn daughter. Guilt washed over me as tears streamed down my face. Why couldn’t I fully embrace motherhood?
Professionally, I work in mental health and can easily identify the symptoms of anxiety and depression, along with coping strategies. Yet, I struggled to recognize what was happening to me. After countless searches online, I stumbled upon a description of postpartum anxiety that hit home. I thought, “Oh no, this is me.” Following my own advice, I made an appointment with my doctor, found a therapist, and began medication. However, facing my struggles and asking for help proved to be more challenging than I anticipated.
During my first prenatal appointment for this pregnancy, I candidly told my doctor, “I’m expecting again, but my last experience wasn’t great. What do you recommend to minimize the risk of ‘it’ happening again?” I planned to start medication after delivery, keep a therapist on speed dial, and ensure I had a solid support network in place. Throughout my pregnancy, I reminded myself: “Your well-being comes first.”
Fast forward to six days postpartum. Upon waking, I was met with the all-too-familiar panic attack. “Not again,” I thought. The following day brought another wave of anxiety, leaving me restless and unable to sleep. It felt just as intense as before. “What kind of mother am I?” I asked my husband, filled with shame and fear. The thoughts replayed in my mind: “What kind of person wants to run away from their baby?”
Once again, I swallowed my pride and reached out to my doctor. That night, I sat with my baby, overwhelmed with guilt and uncertainty, questioning if I would ever emerge from this darkness.
Now, I find myself in a better place—not completely healed, but no longer engulfed by despair. I can see a glimmer of hope, even if it sometimes feels distant. Understanding the clinical aspects of postpartum depression and anxiety is one thing; experiencing them is entirely different. These conditions are illnesses that can lead to feelings of hopelessness, doubt, and guilt. They demand compassion and treatment, and they do not define one’s worth as a mother.
To those struggling with similar issues, know that you are not alone. There is no shame in seeking help, despite what the inner critic may tell you. You are deserving of care and support. For loved ones of those battling postpartum challenges, your role as a listener and source of comfort is invaluable.
Lastly, to my “it”—though I despise what you represent, you have taught me to ask for help and revealed the strength of my support system. Even in the depths of despair, I’ve learned that light can still break through.
For more insights on fertility and support during your journey, explore resources like Make a Mom and UCSF’s Center for Reproductive Health.
Summary:
This article recounts the author’s personal experiences with postpartum panic attacks following the births of two children. It highlights the challenges of recognizing and addressing postpartum depression and anxiety, emphasizing the importance of seeking help, building a support network, and practicing self-compassion.
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