About six months ago, when my marriage began to unravel, I finally opened up about my situation to a close friend, Mia, who is still single. Her reaction—a mix of tilt of the head, nodding, and a heavy sigh—was what I had come to expect from others when I shared my news. She expressed her sympathy, saying, “I’m really sorry to hear that,” while gently placing her hand on mine in the bustling restaurant.
As my friends continued to offer heartfelt condolences, none of them displayed shock or horror. I understood their reactions; after all, those who knew me well could hardly be surprised. Over the years, my husband and I had evolved into our authentic selves, proud of who we had become. Unfortunately, those selves had diverged significantly from the individuals we had been when we first said “I do.” More importantly, we had become incompatible.
I didn’t want sympathy for my divorce. Even though I carried the weight of a failed marriage like a heavy winter coat, I wasn’t looking for anyone to add to my burdens. Yet, part of me wished others could see the struggle—how hard this was not just for me, but for him too.
While divorce is relatively common—about 42% of marriages are expected to end this way—it remains one of life’s most stressful challenges. Unlike a typical breakup, divorce comes with a mountain of legal documents, court appearances, financial upheaval, and often the complexities of co-parenting. According to the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory, it ranks as the second most stressful life event, just after losing a spouse.
My own experience with divorce was the toughest chapter of my life, even though I had sensed it coming. I made the mistake of allowing the process to consume me, like waves of despair crashing over me daily. I immersed myself in the chaos, forgetting to focus on how to navigate this transition positively—not just for my children, but for myself.
Here’s a message I wish I could have received at the onset of my divorce journey.
Dear Friend,
You are remarkable, and I admire your strength.
This moment isn’t about him; for now, it’s essential to focus on yourself. It’s time to prioritize your needs and feelings above all else.
While you and your partner once formed a team, and that team must continue for the sake of your children, remember that you are also an individual player in your own life. Picture this: on a different court, five miles away, you’re leading your own game. You’re the coach and the star player, with no substitutes. Your kids are watching, so make them proud, and I’ll be cheering you on from the stands.
Divorce is undoubtedly challenging. Many days will feel like they were designed to test your limits. The process can be drawn out and grueling, especially when children are involved.
You may find yourself reaching out to friends who have gone through similar experiences. They might hesitate to share their stories, and their words may feel inadequate. Remember, you’re navigating an unfamiliar storm, and even if you have a protective snowsuit, the cold will still sting.
Your family members will walk alongside you, offering support and encouragement, but sometimes their words won’t resonate. You might feel like a child in a snowstorm, struggling to find your way.
Friend, loneliness is part of this journey, but it’s important to know that being alone is preferable to relying on someone who can no longer support you. This phase is about self-discovery and self-love. Embrace self-care—without overspending, as financial challenges may lie ahead.
Devote time to your children, being present and nurturing. Create moments for yourself to reflect on your feelings daily. You’ve expressed a desire for people to meet you where you are instead of trying to change your past or push you toward an uncertain future. Take a moment to ensure you are meeting yourself in the present as well.
Soon enough, you may discover joy in solitude and envision happier times ahead. This indicates you are more prepared than you realize.
Divorce is both expected and unpredictable. Watching your carefully laid plans fall apart can be heartbreaking, but give yourself permission to envision a new future. It may resemble your original one, or it may look entirely different—either way, it’s your choice. Document your goals and values, no matter how small, and take daily steps to achieve them.
Remember, this is a significant event in your life. It’s essential to acknowledge its magnitude. To cope, simplify your life. Focus on spending quality time with your children, participating in simple yet meaningful activities. Reduce distractions by saying “no” to overly ambitious plans and “yes” to family time. Prepare easy meals so you can share them together, and engage in conversations about each other’s interests.
Declutter by donating what you no longer need. Maintain a manageable list of supportive friends to discuss your divorce. Prioritize rest so you can show up as your best self every day.
You are capable of overcoming this. I am excited to see the person you will become as you navigate this journey.
With love,
Yourself.
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