Anxiety often presents itself in unexpected ways, manifesting in behaviors that might seem contradictory. For me, it’s all about cleanliness and order. Picture this: a bright, immaculate home that looks like it belongs in a glossy magazine. Pristine countertops and gleaming floors create an atmosphere of perfection.
When I visit a friend’s house, I never think, “Wow, this place is messy!” Instead, I focus on my cherished friends—their warmth and kindness overshadow any clutter. However, when guests come to my home and seem uncomfortable, I feel a wave of self-reproach. I question why I can’t just set aside the cleaning supplies and allow myself to relax. I berate myself for tidying up toys and scrubbing surfaces. “It smells like a hospital in here!” someone might say, and while I know it’s just my obsession with cleanliness, it pains me to think others might feel uneasy.
This is the dual nature of anxiety. I don’t judge a fellow mom whose house is a bit chaotic; I understand that her anxiety might come from a different place. While she may struggle with messy dishes, my anxiety drives me to scrub every corner of my home. When my child faces bullying, I dive deep into cleaning, pouring bleach into bathrooms and scrubbing until the grout almost gives way. On days when I feel overwhelmed by sadness and anxiety, I find solace in giving my home a thorough cleaning.
My anxiety influences not just my environment, but also the way I present myself. I often feel the eyes of other moms on me when I show up at the park in a sundress, hair styled, and makeup done. I may seem out of place, but dressing up helps me regain a sense of control when everything else feels chaotic. After the birth of my son, attending a wedding just two weeks later helped me heal; I felt like a queen that day. Thus, I chose to present myself well each time I took my children to the park.
Despite my cleaning obsession, I make time for library classes, playdates, and birthday parties. I’m actively involved in my community, hosting gatherings and volunteering. This is who I am, and it’s unlikely to change anytime soon.
However, I do try to relax occasionally. I encourage my daughter to be messy—splashing paint, running barefoot outside, and enjoying her popsicles. As she runs in and out, leaving her mark on the home, I remind myself it’s okay. When she finally goes to bed, I take a moment to appreciate her happiness. Then, I grab my cleaning supplies again, erasing any doubts about my worth as a mother or wife. No matter how many compliments I receive from my husband or my mother, the self-doubt lingers, and I wash it away with each scrub.
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In summary, anxiety can lead to obsessive behaviors, like cleaning, as a coping mechanism. While some may find solace in the chaos of clutter, others find peace in a spotless environment. Understanding these different manifestations can help foster compassion among parents facing the challenges of anxiety.
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