Recently, I dropped off my 17-year-old son, Ethan, at a local venue for an electronica concert that he was thrilled to attend — it was the first ticket he purchased with his own hard-earned money from his summer job last year. He decided to go alone, as none of his friends share his taste in music. I offered to accompany him, but he was less than enthusiastic about having his 43-year-old mom tagging along on a Saturday night. No big deal.
Reflecting on the conversations I had about drugs back in the late ’80s, I realized that my approach with Ethan was vastly different. Instead of the old “just say no” mantra, I found myself saying, “You might encounter some marijuana or psychedelics at the show; don’t be caught off guard by that. If anything makes you uneasy, seek out a security staff member. Since you’re going solo, this isn’t the best environment to experiment, but if things get weird, just shoot me a text. We can navigate it together.”
The thought of him facing potential challenges filled me with anxiety. But what worried me more was the idea of him feeling isolated or scared to reach out for help, fearing my reaction. It reminded me of another conversation we had about driving: “Listen, at some point, you’re likely going to have an accident. I have insurance to fix the car, and I have insurance to take care of you. I sometimes feel anxious about the possibilities, but I won’t be shocked when it happens because I was a teenager once too. Whatever you do: don’t leave the scene. Stay involved, and let’s talk it through. We’ll work it out together.”
I’m learning that parenting is less about expecting our children to have a flawless journey and more about recognizing that they will make mistakes — often. Our role isn’t to hold them up but to help them learn how to recover. To fall down without falling apart. To express our love when they reveal their struggles.
Equally important is being gentle with myself when I stumble in my own parenting journey. Perhaps our main task is simply to remain present for them and ourselves, to love unconditionally as we are.
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In summary, the approach to discussing drugs with teens has shifted significantly from the rigid “just say no” to a more open and supportive dialogue that acknowledges the realities of their experiences. It’s about being present, understanding that mistakes will happen, and fostering a safe environment for communication.
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