Dear healthcare professionals,
Drawing inspiration from various online sources and in light of my healthcare provider’s differing opinions, I have drafted a detailed birth plan for the arrival of my child. I kindly ask that you adhere to it as closely as possible to facilitate the fulfilling birth experience I desire in today’s political environment. Thank you!
Delivery Preferences:
I am aiming for a vaginal birth, with a C-section as a backup if necessary. Regardless, expect some blood; those who find that unsettling should exit the room—preferably the country.
Support System:
I wish for my partner to be present at every stage of labor. In this modern age, it’s essential he also participates in all aspects of parenting, from late-night feedings to diaper changes, and even community events advocating for women’s rights.
Music During Labor:
I would like to listen to playlists curated during Obama’s presidency, specifically from 2015 and 2016. These tunes will help me reflect on a time when I didn’t fear for my rights. Please refrain from playing the music of Kid Rock or Ted Nugent, as that is non-negotiable.
Attire:
During labor, I prefer to wear my “Nevertheless, She Persisted” t-shirt. I kindly ask that attending staff avoid any attire in red and white, as it may trigger my anxiety.
Nutrition:
For sustenance during labor, I’d love to have injera from the local Ethiopian restaurant to support immigrant businesses. Fast food and traditional country club cuisine are off the table for me.
Mental Preparation:
I plan to spend the early stages of labor scrolling through Twitter to prepare myself, akin to listening to an extended version of “Eye of the Tiger”—but with more distressing content. Please monitor my blood pressure closely, as it may escalate.
Communication:
I have zero tolerance for condescending explanations. If a male physician enters with opinions on my pain threshold, I may respond with a swift kick to his ego—quite literally.
Pain Management:
I would like to utilize a punching bag shaped like a certain political figure during contractions. If this proves too difficult for staff to accommodate, I’m open to an epidural as an alternative.
Verbal Expression:
During labor, I intend to express my frustrations verbally at images of various political figures I’ve brought along. I have plenty of creative insults ready for anyone who needs them.
Visitor Guidelines:
While I welcome family in the room, I must insist that my conservative uncle stay away. The last thing I need is for my newborn to hear any derogatory comments about immigrants who work hard in this country.
Baby’s Attire:
Please avoid dressing my child in the traditional blue. Instead, I would appreciate it if my baby could wear a pink hat, or better yet, a rainbow hat to represent inclusivity.
Feeding Choices:
I want my baby to grow up with a strong foundation of resistance. He should be able to enjoy breastmilk or formula, depending on what I decide.
Post-Delivery Needs:
After delivery, I would like a generous glass of wine and some cardboard with a marker. I’m eager to prepare a sign for the baby’s first protest march. I’m considering “Nobody Puts Baby in Detention” but am open to other ideas.
Hospital Stay:
I hope to minimize my time in the hospital. Now that I may be viewed as a Handmaid, I need to devise my escape plan to Canada promptly.
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Summary:
This birth plan outlines my preferences for labor and delivery in a politically charged environment, underscoring my desire for support, inclusion, and a nurturing atmosphere for my newborn. By aligning my choices with my values, I aim to create a positive and empowering experience that reflects my beliefs.
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