As a parent, I pride myself on getting many things right. I strive to create a balanced environment for my children, mixing structure with spontaneity—bedtime routines are paired with fun movie nights and catching fireflies until late in the summer. They enjoy their vegetables but also indulge in sweets. They participate in organized sports yet have ample time to play freely with friends. Manners are practiced (most of the time), and chores are done (when reminded).
However, like any parent, I have my flaws. One major flaw is my perfectionism. When my kids fall behind on what society deems the “typical” developmental milestones, my anxiety skyrockets. I feel as if I’ve somehow failed. It’s not a pleasant feeling.
I understand this mindset isn’t beneficial. It’s not my child’s fault—or mine. Yet all my kids seemed to take the longest route on the potty-training journey, and it was incredibly stressful for me.
While my friends’ children were proudly placing stickers on their potty charts and exclaiming “I go potty, Mommy!” at the age of two, mine were still not ready. And that’s fine—three is still considered a normal age for mastering this skill, right? But what happens when they’re still struggling at four? Or even five?
The answer? You cry. You feel like a complete failure and wish to retreat into a dark corner because you question your abilities as a parent. That was my experience, anyway.
I tried everything: reward systems, sticker charts, toys, and treats like Skittles and M&Ms. I consulted our pediatrician, who assured me that there were no serious medical issues causing the delays. I read countless articles and books, ensured they used the potty before leaving the house, and tried to time meals and drinks perfectly. I became consumed with anxiety, frustration, and anger.
We’d have a good week or two, and I’d think, “Finally, we did it!” only to face regression. The cycle repeated endlessly for years.
It was years filled with carrying spare clothes everywhere, worrying about potential accidents at birthday parties, or fearing a pool evacuation because of one of my kids. I often found myself dreading phone calls from preschool, fearing they would suggest it wasn’t working out.
I silently (and sometimes audibly) cursed all the parents who claimed to have potty-trained their kids in three days. I listened to them say, “Don’t worry! He won’t be in diapers at college!” and I wondered if that would actually be the case.
But during all those challenging weeks filled with setbacks and tears shed into my wine after bedtime, something valuable became clear: This isn’t my failure. It isn’t my child’s failure either. It’s simply part of their developmental journey.
I learned that a control-oriented parent paired with a strong-willed child doesn’t yield a successful potty training experience. A significant turning point came when our pediatrician told me, “Mom, this isn’t up to you. You don’t control the timeline.”
Wait, what? I’m not in control of this?
My husband provided much-needed perspective during this time. When I’d panic about potential accidents, he’d calmly respond, “So he poops in the pool. We’ll deal with it.” Or, “So he has an accident at school. We’ll handle it.” And just like that, I realized that while it might be embarrassing, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Our family would still be intact, creating memories, and probably laughing about it in ten years.
It was crucial for me to maintain a positive attitude throughout this process, even when it wasn’t easy. An article on Care.com emphasizes that “children who are late to potty train can sense disapproval,” so it’s vital to instill confidence in them. They need to believe they can succeed.
This realization was a pivotal moment for me. Sometimes, staying positive meant I had to step back and let my husband take the reins. Dr. Rika Alper, a developmental psychologist, suggests that parents entrenched in the potty-training process should allow the other parent to lead for a while, which can relieve stress.
As time passed and my kids eventually caught up with their peers, I recognized that everything would be okay. There were moments when we had to “deal with it,” and yes, there were embarrassing situations. But ultimately, life went on, and we were still a loving family.
I also had to confront my own tendencies toward perfectionism. It often felt like a personal failure that my children weren’t all trained by age three, even though many children take longer. In reality, having a four or five-year-old occasionally struggling with bathroom issues isn’t uncommon. As Dr. Laura Markham points out, “4-5 year olds get absorbed in their activities and may not recognize the need to go.”
I had a child who wore pull-ups at four, one who carried extra underwear in their backpack through kindergarten, and another who experienced nighttime accidents long after their peers had moved past that stage.
Our potty training challenges do not define our family. Each child had unique factors affecting their potty training journey. One was easily distracted, another had a bladder issue that improved over time, and yet another dealt with anxiety about making mistakes.
We learned to address these issues individually and, importantly, I had to remember my role as the grown-up and act accordingly.
Even though our potty training experience took much longer than three days, it’s just one small piece of the larger parenting puzzle. Someday, when my kids are teenagers, I might look back on these days—when our biggest struggle was changing underpants—and wish for simpler times.
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In summary, navigating potty training can be a challenging experience, often filled with ups and downs. It’s essential to remember that each child’s journey is unique, and the process doesn’t define our capabilities as parents. Patience, understanding, and a positive outlook are key as we support our children through their developmental stages.
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