As I approach my 36th birthday, I find myself in what feels like a divorce season. In my 20s, the focus was on weddings; every weekend revolved around celebrating love and commitment. However, those joyful days have shifted, and I now witness the dissolution of many friendships tied to these marriages.
It’s not like there are celebrations when couples part ways—though I sometimes wish there were. After all, there are relationships that clearly need to end, and perhaps a farewell party would provide closure. Still, it’s challenging to transition from group outings with couples to the painful aftermath of separation. You invest time and emotions in each other’s lives—attending weddings, visiting in hospitals after births, and fostering friendships among children—and then suddenly, it’s all over.
The signs of a breakdown in a relationship can be subtle or glaring. You may feel compelled to take sides, or you might find it difficult to navigate your feelings. Sometimes, there’s even a strange relief when a problematic partner is no longer in the picture.
My brother’s divorce was particularly hard. His ex-wife, who once shared countless memories with me—wedding photos, birthdays, vacations—vanished from my life almost instantaneously after their split. One moment, she was part of our family; the next, she was gone, as if she had flipped to the next page of a photo album.
The same has happened with friends like Mark and Emily. I attended their wedding, and when they separated, Emily disappeared from my life without a trace. This pattern has repeated with my friends like Amy and Rachel.
I can’t speak for everyone who has experienced friends going through divorces. Some may manage to keep in touch with both parties. However, in my experience, it often feels like friendships are divided just like the assets in a divorce. If kids are involved, I might hear updates about the ex from the one friend that remains, but regardless of the closeness we once shared, I usually end up with only one friend as the other moves on.
This realization used to disrupt my peace until a dinner conversation with my college friend, Maria, changed my perspective. We were discussing a mutual friend’s separation, and she recounted how she once socialized with the couple. “I still talk to Laura, but conversations with Jake just became awkward,” she shared. “I felt like he thought I was judging him, but the truth is, it was simply a relationship that didn’t work out.”
Maria ultimately recognized that maintaining a friendship with Jake was more painful for both of them, leading her to let that connection fade. Reflecting on her words, I recalled my own attempts to keep both friendships alive, only to find that one would inevitably drift away. Though it sounds harsh, this seems to be a natural progression.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t support both friends during their separation. It’s essential to be there for them, unless one is truly in the wrong. The reality is, divorce signifies change—stepping into a new chapter. Sometimes, the best way to support a friend post-divorce is to acknowledge that one friend may need to move on, and that’s okay.
It’s tragic, yes, but allowing friends to transition into new beginnings might be critical for their happiness.
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Summary
Experiencing the divorce of friends can be emotionally challenging, often leading to the unexpected loss of relationships. While it’s essential to support both parties, it’s common for friendships to shift as couples separate. Acknowledging this change can help in navigating the complexities of maintaining relationships post-divorce.
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