As the season for parent-teacher conferences rolls around, I often find myself in a familiar scenario. The teacher begins with, “Your child’s grade is ____, and that’s due to…” At that moment, I’m either pleasantly surprised, thinking my child is excelling, or concerned, wondering about their lack of effort. Yet, when I inquire about the grade, the teacher typically asks, “Don’t you check the online portal?”
My response is often, “Should I be? I assumed you would inform me if there was a serious issue. Those grades belong to my child, not me.” This usually results in a moment of silence, followed by gratitude from the teachers for allowing them to do their jobs without parental interference. Occasionally, they’ve advised me when it’s time to step in, and I do, but most of the time, they appreciate that I’m letting my child’s true capabilities shine through.
Having spent 18 years in public education, I’ve learned that fostering independence is crucial. I’ve witnessed the struggles of kindergartners who rely on their parents for everything, and I’ve seen the rocky transition for students who are used to their parents doing their work for them.
Recently, while attending a basketball game, I overheard other parents discussing a looming project for their sixth graders. Curious, I asked about it, only to find out that they had checked online and encouraged their kids to start early. I simply replied, “That’s not my project.” Their shocked reactions made me realize they thought I didn’t care about my child’s grades. On the contrary, I care deeply, but I want my child to earn those grades independently.
For instance, my gifted sixth-grade son received a D in advanced math this quarter, along with a C and several Bs. His potential suggests straight As, but I never logged into the online portal to track his progress. I suspected things weren’t going well when I noticed he hadn’t brought home his backpack for an entire quarter. I could have easily monitored him closely, creating a dynamic that revolves around his procrastination, but that would only lead to extrinsic motivation, which isn’t what I aim for.
I want my son to take ownership of his education. Sure, I could have stepped in and helped him achieve straight As, but I remember my own academic journey, and I believe these grades are his responsibility. When report cards were released, it became clear that the teachers provided him opportunities to submit late assignments, which he chose not to take. He earned what he received, and now, I’ll check in more frequently next quarter while still encouraging his independence.
It’s essential for children to experience the consequences of their actions during middle school. My freshman son ended his first year of high school with straight As, and I never once peeked online. Throughout his middle school years, he had his share of challenges, but I chose not to intervene excessively.
Let’s be clear: my children are generally good learners. They don’t face any learning delays, but like many kids, they tend to do the bare minimum for a good grade. This efficiency can be a double-edged sword, as it also fosters self-motivation.
It’s time to step back. Your child is their own individual, and their academic achievements belong to them. If you find yourself emailing teachers daily about homework grades that you’ve been supervising, consider that your child may be relying on you too heavily. They might not be absorbing classroom instructions if they know you’ll handle any issues.
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In summary, allowing children to manage their own academic responsibilities fosters independence, which is critical for their development. Embrace the opportunity for them to learn from their experiences and take charge of their education.
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