40+ Side-Splitting Quotes from George Costanza to Help You Find Your Inner Calm

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George Costanza may not be the most upstanding character, but he certainly knows how to deliver some of the most memorable lines in TV history. A self-centered, neurotic, and often deceitful figure, George has been the source of countless laughs on Seinfeld, thanks to his outrageous antics and hilariously relatable observations. Created by real-life comedian and co-creator of the show, Larry David, George is a character that has left an indelible mark on pop culture, inspiring fan accounts and social media tributes. In honor of this unforgettable character, we’ve compiled a list of his best quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face.

1. George: Why is it so complicated to open condom packages?
   Jerry: Probably to give the woman a moment to reconsider.
2. What’s wrong with being nice? Why is that frowned upon in our society?
3. George: She resembles a young Marisa Tomei.
   Jerry: Too bad you remind me of George Costanza.
4. Naps are fantastic. Sometimes, they’re the only thing that gets me up in the morning.
5. George: She calls me at work and says, “We need to talk.”
   Jerry: Those are the four worst words in English.
   George: Worse than “Whose bra is this?”
   Jerry: Definitely worse.
6. I’m the biggest loser around!
7. I’ve always wanted to pretend to be an architect.
8. Borrowing money from a buddy is like having an intimate relationship. It changes everything.
9. If you look annoyed all the time, people assume you’re busy.
10. This woman despises me so much, I’m actually starting to like her.
11. If you can’t find something negative to say about a relationship, then don’t say anything at all.
12. The sea was angry that day, like an old man returning soup at a deli…
13. I’m dishonest every second of my life. My existence is a facade.
14. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted the other person to show up at any of my appointments.
15. You should’ve seen her face; it was just like my dad’s when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
16. Jerry, remember, it’s only a lie if you don’t believe it.
17. Without toilets, we wouldn’t have any books.
18. The jerk store called—they’re running low on you.
19. I don’t trust guys in capes.
20. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
21. I’m never going to be a parent. If I lose my Frogger high score, that’s it for me.
22. I come from a family of quitters. My dad quit, my granddad quit. I was raised to fail.
23. Instead of doing laundry, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pairs so I only have to wash once a year.
24. What’s so special about a mom-and-pop shop? If my parents owned one, I wouldn’t even shop there.
25. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you to tone down the humor? This woman thinks I’m funny, and now you’re being funny too. What does that make me? Just a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly looks less amusing.
26. If I ran a company, my employees would adore me. They’d have big portraits of me everywhere, like Lenin.
27. Listen, you don’t understand. There was shrinkage!
28. You’re giving me the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech? I created that line! No one tells me “it’s them.” If anything, it’s me.
29. If you condense everything I’ve accomplished in my life into one day, it looks pretty good.
30. Do you ever kneel down and thank the universe for knowing me and having access to my crazy thoughts?
31. For I am Costanza…lord of the foolish.
32. (Singing on his voicemail): Believe it or not, George isn’t at home, / Please leave a message at the beep. / I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone, / Where could I be? / Believe it or not, I’m not home.
33. Why is being nice considered bad? What kind of twisted society are we living in?
34. [To George Steinbrenner]: I must say, with all due respect, I find it hard to understand the logic behind some moves you’ve made. You’ve turned our beloved Yankees into a joke—all for your own inflated ego!
    George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
35. George: Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.
    Soup Nazi: Bread is $2 extra.
    George: Two dollars? The person before me got free bread!
    Soup Nazi: You want bread?
    George: Yes, please.
    Soup Nazi: Three dollars!
    George: What?
    Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
36. Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should pay $2000 to live like him for a week—do nothing, accidentally make money, mooch food, and hook up without dating. THAT’s a fantasy camp.
37. It’s clear to me now that every decision I’ve made has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of what I want. Every instinct I have is misguided.
38. George: What brings you joy?
    Jerry: Listening to you. Your misery is my delight.
39. The sea was angry that day, my friends—like an old man trying to return soup at a deli… I was about fifty feet out when the great beast appeared before me. It was colossal! Then, as if sensing my presence, it made a loud noise. I said, “Easy, big fella!” I realized something was blocking its breathing. I reached in and pulled out a golf ball.
    Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
    George: Yes! A hole in one!
40. Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is going to be my time. I declare this: The Summer of George!
41. You know, there are places where keeping your coat on in someone’s home can lead to a feud.
42. Articulate—me? I’ve never been articulate; I’m completely incoherent.
43. All right, I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself back down again!
44. Divorce is tough. Especially on kids. Of course, I’m a product of my parents sticking together, so who knows?

In summary, George Costanza’s quotes are not just amusing but also offer a humorous take on everyday life, highlighting the absurdities we often encounter. His character serves as a reminder that while we may not always handle situations perfectly, laughter can be a great way to cope.