For years, my partner and I struggled to have open conversations about our intimate life — not just for years, but for decades. There are a multitude of reasons for this, including parenting multiple kids, health issues, and our different upbringings: I come from a family that speaks candidly, while my partner learned to stick to safer topics, like the weather. Yet, I realize these are not genuine excuses. Discussing our desires and needs in the bedroom is just as essential as conversations about finances, our children’s education, and our careers.
One day, I decided I had enough of this silence. We have a loving and respectful relationship, share household responsibilities, and co-parent effectively. So why couldn’t we just have a straightforward conversation about sex? The reality is, we rarely engage in intimacy, partly because I often don’t feel in the mood during two of the four weeks in a month. As a feminist, I’ve always believed I owe no one — not even my partner — an explanation for my lack of desire. However, this led to mutual disappointment and unnecessary frustration.
During my PMS week, which occurs just before my period, I experience an insatiable hunger (though nothing appeals to me), cramps, and irritability. I totally fit the stereotype of PMS symptoms. I just don’t feel sexy at all. Instead of wanting to get intimate, I’d rather lounge in my sweats, eat cookies from the freezer, and prepare for the impending arrival of my period. The thought of intimacy during this time is as appealing as letting my preschooler watch “Cocomelon.”
Then comes my period week. What used to be a mild five-day experience has evolved into a seven-day ordeal. I keep wet wipes and pads in every bathroom, carry a heating pad around, and constantly take pain relievers for at least three days. I’ve even been known to drape a blanket over my head and shuffle around like a zombie. The idea of intimacy is the last thing on my mind; I’d prefer to watch Fox News. Yes, it’s that bad.
This leaves two weeks out of the month that I like to call my “happy weeks.” During this time, I feel energized, my clothes fit well, and I’m not in a state of rage cleaning or curled up in pain. I’m ready for intimacy, and it actually sounds appealing.
So, one night while binge-watching a ridiculous show, I finally told my partner that I needed to share something important. He looked at me, probably worried I had some shocking news to reveal. I told him, “Listen, I’m on a four-week cycle. Here’s the deal: I have a sex window.” I explained that I’m only interested in intimacy for two weeks out of the month — the week after my period and the week following that. There’s sometimes an extra half-week of grace.
We even joked about writing a number representing my current week on a piece of paper to hang in our bedroom, or maybe I could just text him. In the end, we agreed on a simple approach: he could ask, “What week?” and I would respond with a number. If it’s one or two, we’re good to go. But if it’s three or four, he knows to take care of himself and not bother me.
I know this may sound silly to some. I’ve heard of women who would never dream of denying intimacy to their partners, fearing they might seek it elsewhere. I’m not one of those people. Others might feign headaches or force themselves into intimacy, even if they lack motivation, often pretending to enjoy it. Not for me. I prefer honesty, especially with myself.
I often joke that we’re an old married couple, which gives us a level of security and history. While we may not have a perfect marriage, there’s no reason we can’t establish a sex window that I communicate openly. I’m not sure why it took us so long to come to this understanding, but life gets busy and sometimes we forget to address what works and what doesn’t. Moreover, not all couples are adept at discussing challenging topics, including finances, parenting, and intimacy.
Deciding to simplify our conversations about intimacy has been a relief. When both partners are committed to respecting one another, it can sometimes lead to stifled conversations about what’s necessary. Now that we’ve established a sex window, there’s no more beating around the bush when it comes to intimacy.
If you’re navigating similar challenges in your relationship, consider exploring additional resources to help guide you. For more insights, check out this article on pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re interested in home insemination, this post might provide you with useful information. For those considering self insemination, Make A Mom is a trusted source on home insemination kits.
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Summary:
This article discusses the importance of open communication regarding intimacy between partners, particularly in long-term relationships. The author shares her personal experience of establishing a “sex window,” a two-week period each month when she feels more inclined toward intimacy. By openly discussing her needs, the couple can avoid disappointment and frustration, ultimately improving their relationship.
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