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Trigger Warning: Pregnancy Loss
It’s best to avoid asking a woman when she plans to have another child—or any child at all. And please, never suggest a timeline for that decision. There’s no suitable context for such conversations.
Recently, I spoke with a fellow mom, and as often happens, the topic shifted to our children. We discovered that our little ones are both toddlers, and she shared her frustration about the constant inquiries regarding her plans for a second baby. I could only muster a sympathetic sigh and my usual “Ugh,” because, really, that question is exhausting.
“I’m not sure I want another one—I’m already so tired,” she admitted. “People say I shouldn’t wait too long because of the age gap, but I’m fine with a little distance between them. I just know I’m not ready right now. But they keep telling me I’ll be too old soon.” Then she quietly added, “I mean, I don’t even know if I can HAVE another.”
It’s a good thing I didn’t have the chance to dive deeper into my own experiences because I could have gone on for ages.
I didn’t share my own struggles with similar comments. I didn’t tell her that, unlike her, I desired my children to be closer in age. I didn’t reveal that loss was part of my journey and that there was a time I, too, questioned my ability to have another child. I didn’t mention that at a baby shower—where I was already grappling with emotions from my previous loss—I was asked when I was having another. I had been planning a baby shower around the same time, had things gone differently.
I didn’t recount how someone told me I was running out of time on the very day my stillborn baby was due, and how difficult it was to respond to that with a smile before escaping the situation. I didn’t share how that comment made me feel like I was letting my living child down for not yet providing her with a sibling.
I didn’t express that I’m currently in a phase where I feel ready for another child, yet that possibility seems to be slipping away.
But she didn’t need to hear all of that. Yet, it seems many people don’t consider the weight behind their questions. Perhaps they mean well or think it’s harmless small talk, but such inquiries can bring discomfort and genuine pain.
Instead, I reassured her that it’s perfectly okay if she chooses to have only one child. I shared that my children are five years apart, and that age difference has been a blessing in many ways. I reminded her that whatever choice she makes will be the right one and that sometimes, we don’t have control over these matters. I emphasized that she’ll know when the time is right for her to decide whether to have more children, and that others’ opinions don’t need to factor into her journey as a mother.
Whether she chooses one child or more, she is a worthy mother and woman. The number of children we have—or don’t have—does not define our value. Questions about a woman’s fertility are deeply personal and should be approached with caution. They can incite feelings of inadequacy and judgment, which are entirely unwarranted.
So, please, think twice before asking these questions, as every woman’s motherhood journey is often more complex than it appears.
For more insights, check out this blog post on home insemination. If you’re exploring options, you might also find this artificial insemination kit helpful. For additional information on pregnancy and IVF, refer to this NHS resource.
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Summary: This article discusses the discomfort and pain that can arise from questions regarding family expansion. It emphasizes that every woman’s journey is unique and that societal pressure should not dictate personal choices about motherhood.
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