I want to start by saying that my current relationship with my mother is wonderful! We are in a better place than we have ever been, and we continue to grow together. However, it wasn’t always like this.
I come from a long line of troubled mother-daughter relationships. Let’s just call it what it is: we could definitely benefit from some family therapy. Most of these relationships tend to get mended only when the daughter reaches adulthood or due to some external circumstance. For instance, my great-grandmother needed support, and my grandmother had no choice but to step in. This dynamic essentially forces the relationship to adapt to whatever it needs to be.
My relationship with my mom used to be… far from perfect. During my teenage years, I was the typical rebellious teen who thought she had it all figured out. I skipped school, “ran away,” and eventually moved over 500 miles away with a boyfriend who was toxic for me. I rebelled, and at the time, I felt like my mom had given up on me. I carried that feeling into my 20s.
In 2014, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. In my third trimester, I asked my younger brother, “What if I can’t do this?” I was completely lost and not at a point in my relationship with my mother where I could seek her advice. I had no clue what being a “good mom” was supposed to look like. He reassured me that everything would be fine, especially since I was having a son—boys are naturally mama’s boys. I thought I would escape the burden of breaking any generational curses because this would be different. And to some extent, it was.
Now, I’m on baby number three. After having two boys, I really wanted a daughter, but I realized I had no concept of what a healthy mother-daughter relationship looked like. When I learned I was having a girl last year, I found myself echoing the same question: WHAT IF I CAN’T DO THIS? This time, however, the question carried a different weight. Even though I was having my third child, it felt like I was starting anew. I was still figuring out how to be a good daughter myself.
Having my daughter genuinely terrifies me. When I look at her, I see myself. I think about what she will experience as she grows up and how curious she is about the world around her. Part of me fears that her innocent gaze can already see my deepest wounds. I hope she doesn’t see right through me.
I find myself gazing at my 12-week-old baby, praying I don’t fail her. I’ve actually voiced this concern to her more than once. While I want to be a good mom to all my children, having a daughter feels like a different kind of pressure. I have the responsibility of figuring out what it means to be a good daughter while also striving to be a good (and different kind of) mom. I grieve the relationship I wish I had, all while working to be the parent my daughter needs. And I wonder, is teenage rebellion hereditary? It seems to run in the family.
For me, being a good mom to my daughter means also being a good daughter to my own mother. I aim to lead by example, demonstrating healthy and functional relationships between the women in our family. I am grateful that everyone involved is willing to mend what has been broken. I recognize that many people do not have this privilege, especially in a world where chaos is always right around the corner.
I don’t expect this journey to be easy. I have always expressed myself better through writing, and I know that tough conversations lie ahead. I can already envision a challenging discussion arising soon after this article is shared. But I owe it to my inner child, to my children, and to my mom to have those conversations. No more ignoring feelings. No more pretending everything is okay.
I owe my daughter this commitment. I will strive to be an amazing mom to her, no matter how daunting it feels.
If you’re interested in more resources and stories, you can check out this post on home insemination kits, which covers many related topics. Additionally, for expert guidance, visit Make A Mom for insights on home insemination. And for comprehensive information on pregnancy, the CDC offers an excellent resource at CDC ART.
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- How to build a strong mother-daughter relationship
- Navigating teenage rebellion
- Tips for new mothers
- Healthy family dynamics
- Understanding generational curses
In summary, I am determined to break the cycle of dysfunctional relationships and create a loving bond with my daughter. This journey involves understanding my own past, committing to better communication, and fostering a nurturing environment for her to grow.
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