When you hear about someone who has lost their life due to domestic violence, it’s deeply upsetting. You may find yourself sympathizing with the grieving family, sending thoughts and prayers their way. However, it’s common to start questioning: why didn’t they leave? Why didn’t they seek help? This line of thinking, though unintentional, contributes to victim blaming. Instead, let’s redirect our focus to preventing future abuse, holding perpetrators accountable, and supporting those who have survived.
Victim shaming often occurs without conscious intent. You may feel compassion for those affected, yet still wonder why they took so long to escape their situation. The reality is that, on average, victims attempt to leave an abusive relationship seven times before successfully doing so. They are already grappling with their own feelings of inadequacy, asking themselves, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” and “What’s wrong with me?” When you echo these questions, it adds another layer of shame atop their existing trauma.
Elena Johnson, a researcher in domestic violence prevention, explains that victim blaming stems from a desire for self-preservation. If we can attribute blame to the victim, we reassure ourselves that we could never find ourselves in such a situation. We tell ourselves, “I am stronger than that” or “I would never tolerate such treatment.” But the truth is far more complex. According to Project Sanctuary, over 20,000 calls are made to domestic violence hotlines across the country every single day.
I was one of the many who never reached out for help. Despite visiting resources like Thehotline.org, I lacked the courage to make that call, fearing the consequences if my abuser found out. The paralyzing fear of retribution can prevent victims from seeking assistance. My abuser threatened to take my children away from me, manipulated my mental health struggles against me, and even threatened to expose past traumas I had shared in confidence. Although his threats were baseless, they felt all too real.
Writing about my experience is challenging because I wish I could tell my younger self that the apologies following the insults were empty promises. I would urge my 22-year-old self that marrying him and starting a family wouldn’t change the cycle of abuse; in fact, it would only intensify it. To my future self, I would emphasize that it’s never too late to reclaim your happiness and self-respect.
Though I have escaped, sometimes it feels surreal. The journey to healing from such trauma is ongoing and requires immense effort. For those who have survived or are currently in abusive situations, know that you are loved and valued. Take what others say with caution; many cannot truly understand your circumstances. You are resilient, and this is not your fault—no matter the choices you made or the circumstances that unfolded.
Leaving is merely one aspect of the healing process. Recovery is not straightforward; it’s filled with challenges but ultimately leads to a place of peace. Your experiences matter, as does your healing journey. Engage in whatever brings you comfort and solace. For me, sharing my story is a way to connect with others who may need to hear it. You are not alone; a supportive community stands ready to help you on your path.
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