Throughout my marriage, thoughts of divorce frequently crossed my mind. Each time, I couldn’t shake the idea of the holidays spent away from my child—moments I’d miss and the emotional toll of a shared custody life. The thought of it always halted my reflections. How does one wake up alone on Christmas morning without a child filled with excitement? No cookies left for Santa. No Christmas pajamas opened the night before. No joyous laughter, ripped wrapping paper, or squeals of delight.
Two years ago, my partner and I separated. With the holiday season upon us, we decided it was best for our son to celebrate at home with both of us. However, as the divorce proceedings began six months later in June 2014, I braced myself for a lonely Christmas. In our separation agreement, it indicated that our son would spend Christmas with his father during even-numbered years.
I dreaded this arrangement. Tears streamed down my face as I read the document. I longed to be with my little four-year-old, who spent most of his time with me, experiencing the magic of Christmas. I felt selfish and resentful. Then, I received a call in September: my ex would be deploying overseas. This meant I would have my Christmas with my son, at least for this year.
For the past eleven months, I have been preparing for a quiet Christmas. This year, I know I will wake up alone, as my son’s father has returned to civilian life and established a stable home. Can you imagine the emptiness of waking up on Christmas morning without your heart and soul beside you? I wish I could quantify the tears I’ve shed; I’ve lost count. Recently, my son witnessed a weak moment when I thought he wasn’t around.
“Mom, why do you look so sad?” he asked.
“I’m just sad that I won’t see you on Christmas morning,” I replied.
“You can come to Daddy’s and Miss H’s house and see all my presents from Santa. That’ll be fun, right?”
I wish I could explain the truth to him: that divorce doesn’t work that way, and holidays will rarely be spent with both parents together. Although he wishes for it, we will never again share a single roof on special occasions.
Over the past two years, we’ve adapted. Our lives have evolved; I have built a new relationship and focused on self-improvement and my career. I have discovered resilience in single parenting that I never knew I possessed, yet no amount of strength prepares me for the reality of waking up alone on Christmas.
My heart is heavy because my family is fragmented. I doubt any parent fully recovers from the realization that their family structure has changed.
This past Sunday, I asked my mother if I could spend Christmas Eve with her. My new partner lives far away, and it’s impractical for us to be together. The thought of waking up in a quiet house filled with twinkling lights and untouched gifts is unbearable, especially with the sight of Cocoa the Elf staring at me, wondering where my five-year-old has gone.
No one should face Christmas morning alone. Despite two years of preparing for this moment, I still find myself unready.
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Summary
In conclusion, the author grapples with the emotional challenges of spending Christmas away from her child due to divorce. Despite her efforts to adapt and create a new life, she still feels the pain of familial separation. Seeking support from family and available resources can help ease the burden of solitary holidays.
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