25 Insights for Men Prior to Marriage

1. If I ever say, “You look stunning,” the only appropriate reply is “Thank you.” And why did it take me asking for you to realize that?
2. If you borrow my car and return it with the fuel gauge on empty, it signals that we need to have a serious discussion.
3. Finishing the last Diet Coke without replacing it is akin to me letting your beer supply dwindle.
4. Spending three hours attempting to engage in conversation while you shout at the television during a sports event does not count as quality time together.
5. No, I cannot maintain my pre-wedding physique while indulging in hearty dinners with you every night.
6. I’m aware you dislike the music on my playlist. That’s why it’s called an “I” playlist.
7. There are various beverages that can satisfy your thirst beyond just beer.
8. Just because you have certain anatomy does not mean you possess the skills to fix my car. Please take it to a professional.
9. Tossing all my delicate clothes into the dryer on high heat is not what I consider “helping with the laundry.”
10. I have confirmed that there is no religious decree preventing you from placing the new toilet paper roll on the holder instead of leaving it on the countertop.
11. Blasting surround sound in a small living room is not “cool.” It’s simply too loud. I don’t need to hear helicopters hovering above me.
12. No woman anywhere believes that “fine” equates to “beautiful.” When you say, “You look fine,” we interpret that as “You look ordinary, but let’s hurry up.” The next time you inquire about my satisfaction, I might just say, “It was fine.”
13. After a couple of nudges and a gentle kick, if you continue to snore, I’m claiming the guest room. I still love you, though.
14. A sports bar with endless wings and numerous televisions will not be my pick for date night. You can go enjoy it while I choose a place with a nice wine selection.
15. Even if we’ve shared a toothbrush, drinking milk straight from the carton is unacceptable due to backwash. This also applies to my Diet Cokes. The glasses are in the left cabinet of the fridge.
16. Thong underwear feels like dental floss, and four-inch heels are not much different from ballet shoes. These were designed by men—let’s see you wear them.
17. Simply pulling the duvet over crumpled sheets does not qualify as “making the bed.”
18. The distance from your hand to the sink is about the same as from your hand to the dishwasher, so please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink.
19. There will never be a time in our marriage when I will find ball-and-chain jokes amusing. Never.
20. If I choose to wear something, it’s because I like it. And if I like it, you should as well—even the boyfriend jeans.
21. A two-minute back rub does not equate to a full massage followed by an assumption of intimacy.
22. Consistently leaving the toilet seat up is the male counterpart to the universal female “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.” Nobody is getting lucky tonight.
23. Just because I handle the shopping doesn’t mean I am the only one spending. The dry cleaning I picked up was yours. That pricey moisturizer from Nordstrom? Yours too. Those t-shirts from Target? Yours as well. You say “we” need to cut back? Let’s start with you.
24. There are many exceptional films that do not involve car chases, gunfire, alien invasions, or apocalyptic scenarios. We also appreciate comedies, musicals, or romantic films. If you keep asking, “When does something happen?” during a slower movie, we might end up watching in separate rooms.
25. No, you cannot wear your neon tie-dyed college shirt to dinner with my family or any event we attend together. Ever.

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