Not long after the arrival of my first child, I learned from a friend that our group of child-free friends was going out for dinner — without inviting me or my partner. It stung. Even though I understood that parenthood altered my social life, the reality of missing out was difficult to accept. Spontaneous outings became more of a hassle than a joy, and socializing now required babysitters or careful planning.
My friends never intended to exclude me, but the change in our dynamic left me feeling hurt. They aimed to avoid the disappointment of my frequent refusals, yet I still longed for an invitation. I recognized that these feelings stemmed from adaptation and the need to redefine friendships, but they stirred up memories from my school days. While I had a few close friends, I often felt the sting of cliques that made me feel inadequate. Hearing about outings to the mall or exclusive gatherings only deepened that sense of isolation.
Occasionally, my children return from school sharing stories of being left out by peers. My instinct is to protect them, suppressing the urge to ask who dared to exclude them and instead focusing on understanding the situation. I strive to get a full picture from my emotionally charged five-year-old twins and my sensitive seven-year-old. I also consider whether my kids might have acted in ways that could alienate others. After all, they’re not perfect, and sometimes, it’s simply human nature to withdraw.
Typically, these exclusion incidents are innocent, part of growing up that everyone experiences. If my child finds themselves on the losing end today, they might be the ones unintentionally excluding someone tomorrow. Life isn’t always fair, and not every friendship can blossom.
My oldest daughter recounts moments when her best friend wouldn’t play with her due to another child’s influence. My heart aches for her because I know her feelings are hurt. I validate her emotions, acknowledging the frustration and sadness she feels. I remind her that it’s possible her friend simply wanted to engage with someone else and that she shouldn’t take it too personally.
“But Mom, I would have included that friend!” My daughter’s response reflects her confusion and disappointment. We often discuss the importance of being an upstander, emphasizing that it’s crucial to help those in need. Unfortunately, in this instance, no one intervened to support her when her friendship was openly dismissed. I grapple with feelings of inadequacy as a parent; I strive to teach values of inclusion and kindness, so when others fail to uphold these principles, it’s even more painful for my child.
I reassure her that sometimes friends just want one-on-one time, and while it’s hard, I’m confident they will play together again soon. I feel like I’m channeling Daniel Tiger’s mom, but my daughter seems to appreciate the sentiment. I know her self-esteem might be shaken, and repeated instances of exclusion can lead children to withdraw or lash out. I commend her for finding another playmate, knowing it would have been easy for her to respond with negativity.
Navigating the balance between encouraging kindness and allowing my children to make their own choices is tricky. I want them to trust their instincts while being mindful of how their actions affect others. It’s important to promote thoughtfulness and generosity without sacrificing their own feelings.
I’ve gradually accepted (mostly) that I won’t always be included in every gathering or conversation. I’ve learned that one event doesn’t diminish my relationship with friends. Similarly, my time with others doesn’t lessen my love for anyone else.
I’m slowly imparting these lessons to my kids, but as humans, we will inevitably feel excluded at times. Whether there are logical reasons behind it or just irrational emotions, feeling left out is tough, yet we can learn to move past it.
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Summary
Exclusion, whether experienced by adults or children, can evoke feelings of isolation and hurt. As parents, it’s essential to navigate these emotions thoughtfully, teaching our children about kindness while also respecting their autonomy. While feeling left out is a natural part of life, fostering resilience and empathy can help us and our kids move forward.
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